It Still Stings

I was about to go to sleep. I just finished my work for the evening and I decided to read the graduation announcement file I downloaded the other night. Part of the announcement was the nomination for valedictorian. There was a list of the candidates. Out of curiosity I skimmed through the list, saw some familiar names, saw admirable QPIs (Congrats to the candidates by the way).

As I saw those high QPIs, I just couldn't help but feel some kind of pain. Seeing that list just reminded me again that I wasn't graduating with honors. I thought I was somehow over the whole thing, but the whole thing just brought everything back. I couldn't help but feel a bit of regret. I can't help but feel like I could have done better. A part of me feels like I took the wrong course. A part of me knows I could have achieved what I've always aspired. A part of me feels like that could have been me on that list. I'm not making excuses. But I just wish that I could proudly say that the things I've overcome these past years say more about me than my grades and that they mean more and count more; that they are equivalent to, if not greater, than receiving honors. But the unfortunate fact is I measure my achievements through my grades. I need them to affirm that I did well. It goes all the way back to my childhood. No one ever really told me that I was good, I didn't hear it from anyone, only my grades told me that I was good. And when everything else was not going too well, my good grades were the only things that kept going right.

Perhaps some people would say that what I've gone through these past years are greater achievements than getting an exceptional QPI and graduating with honors. A part of me tells me that I should agree with them. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and I'm still disappointed. It makes me think sometimes whether my entire life is just one big story of frustration; basketball, relationships, honors. I know that's just a pessimistic way of looking at it but it does cross my mind whenever I get into that whole depressed mood. Whenever I get into that whole 'whine about life' and 'feel bad for yourself' mode, I start wondering if I'm never supposed to get what I want. But again, that's just me focusing on the negative. I know there are more positive things about my life. But sometimes I just can't help but feel real frustrated. I need to let my heartaches out once in a while. I've got two major ones and this is one of them.

Well, that's that. Writing helped take the a little of the sting out. I'm not sure if it's enough to let me sleep well though, I still have a heavy heart...will probably watch some TV to lighten it up.

Night. God bless.

You make me feel like a kid
Your smile, your laugh, your voice makes me feel like a kid
Running into you makes puts me in a rush like a kid on a sugar rush
You mess me up in a good way like a kid getting messed up over his or her favorite toy
You make me feel good
You make me feel uneasy
It's a rush of emotions I can't explain
I feel free, I feel lost
I feel excited, I feel nervous
I feel like a kid
A happy kid
A kid under your power and control
I feel like a kid
I like being a kid...mostly...

Like a Kid

I haven't blogged in a while. Been so busy, I'm loaded with school work. I've got lots to do but I just felt real nice I had to blog about it. I think this is my first blog entry for 2009...pretty cool, considering how I feel right now. I feel like a kid...hehe...I was drinking chocolate milk and I just felt like a kid. I don't know I was recounting my day while I was pouring the milk and then I just smiled and felt happy. I felt like a kid who just got a new toy or something. I can't describe the feeling, it's difficult to explain but I just wanted to blog about it so I'd remember. It was just a real nice feeling.

I went upstairs holding my glass of milk and I looked at my mom and smiled. I think I looked like an excited little kid. My mom asked, "What?" I smiled even wider and said, "Chocolate milk"...pretty weird, hehe...but I was just real happy. And that's when I decided to blog about the whole thing.

I looked at my things and saw Ruff staring at me. I smiled again.

Well, that's about it. Just wanted to memorialize the feeling. I think it's because of Rufus. Rufus makes me feel like a kid. Rufus made me feel like a kid. My Rufus encounter today made me feel like a kid. I hope I won't forget that experience.

Thanks Lord. =)

*** I just remembered while I was taking a shower, another thing that made me happy today was the Spurs' win over the Lakers. I watched the live coverage this morning before going to school. 112-111. =)