It Still Stings

I was about to go to sleep. I just finished my work for the evening and I decided to read the graduation announcement file I downloaded the other night. Part of the announcement was the nomination for valedictorian. There was a list of the candidates. Out of curiosity I skimmed through the list, saw some familiar names, saw admirable QPIs (Congrats to the candidates by the way).

As I saw those high QPIs, I just couldn't help but feel some kind of pain. Seeing that list just reminded me again that I wasn't graduating with honors. I thought I was somehow over the whole thing, but the whole thing just brought everything back. I couldn't help but feel a bit of regret. I can't help but feel like I could have done better. A part of me feels like I took the wrong course. A part of me knows I could have achieved what I've always aspired. A part of me feels like that could have been me on that list. I'm not making excuses. But I just wish that I could proudly say that the things I've overcome these past years say more about me than my grades and that they mean more and count more; that they are equivalent to, if not greater, than receiving honors. But the unfortunate fact is I measure my achievements through my grades. I need them to affirm that I did well. It goes all the way back to my childhood. No one ever really told me that I was good, I didn't hear it from anyone, only my grades told me that I was good. And when everything else was not going too well, my good grades were the only things that kept going right.

Perhaps some people would say that what I've gone through these past years are greater achievements than getting an exceptional QPI and graduating with honors. A part of me tells me that I should agree with them. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and I'm still disappointed. It makes me think sometimes whether my entire life is just one big story of frustration; basketball, relationships, honors. I know that's just a pessimistic way of looking at it but it does cross my mind whenever I get into that whole depressed mood. Whenever I get into that whole 'whine about life' and 'feel bad for yourself' mode, I start wondering if I'm never supposed to get what I want. But again, that's just me focusing on the negative. I know there are more positive things about my life. But sometimes I just can't help but feel real frustrated. I need to let my heartaches out once in a while. I've got two major ones and this is one of them.

Well, that's that. Writing helped take the a little of the sting out. I'm not sure if it's enough to let me sleep well though, I still have a heavy heart...will probably watch some TV to lighten it up.

Night. God bless.