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I just know that I had to blog. This past week has been terrible. I've been frustrated and I never found the chance to let it out. The best I was able to get was little fits of punching the couch, pillows, squeezing my stress ball to death. I've been cursing a lot and I don't like it. I've been real short-tempered and I just keep thinking bad about people, how they are so annoying and incompetent. I know I don't mean to and I don't say it out loud so I'm not hurting anyone, but I still don't like it...this is not me.

Last night, I just couldn't take it. I was in bed, praying and having my quiet time...I spent most of it telling God how frustrated I am and telling Him all the things that frustrated me. I couldn't express it the way I wanted to because my mom was asleep on the other bed. Time was up and I still felt like shit. I left the room. Told Cha about it and I tried to cry it out, it wasn't all of it but it helped. I've never experienced this before. Feeling this angry. It's like there's so much anger inside of me. This past week, I just felt so angry all the time. There was a day when I just felt the need to listen to some hard music, I thought it might help. I wanted scream but since I couldn't, maybe hearing other people screaming would help. Yesterday, I tried releasing all the angst by shooting some hoops. It didn't help that much...I might've gotten even more frustrated. I slammed the ball several times. I tried tiring myself by continuously driving hard to basket.

I've never felt this strong of an urge to hit something. I just feel so damn constrained. There's so much I want to let out, but I don't know how and where.

I just want to punch something...I've been wishing that I had a punching bag or that I was taking kickboxing lessons. I just have to hit something....hard....over and over....until I am exhausted and there is nothing left. There is that much anger and frustration inside of me.

It's scary because I've never experienced this before. I just want to go on a rampage. Hit stuff, throw stuff, scream at the top of my lungs...

Here's hoping that typing and writing it would help even just a little.

I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. Hell, I am so damn angry and I don't even know why.
I hate feeling angry all the time.

It scares me. I've stopped taking my anti-depressant, just this week. I don't want to go back into depression. One depressed person in this house is enough. That's why I want to let this out. But the how the hell am I gonna let this out. I can't effing let it out with my mom around me. I need a break dammit.

This helped...a bit...but I need to write this out some more...but not here...

7/22/09 Archive

Personal

Cha - 12:oo am
Ma
Fr. Ichabod
Lattize
Ding

Text messages

Mom - 5:45:46 am
Hans - 6:31:52 am
Aileen - 7:50:41 am
Mychal - 8:03:05 am
Kat - 8:15:19 am
Ate Nic - 8:41:43 am
Dad - 10:43:12 am
Kei - 10:45:22 am
Irrisse - 12:26:05 am
Tito Tic - 2:49:21 pm
Vince - 7:53:02 pm
Cha - 7:55:28 pm
Jane - 9:58:35 pm

Phonecall

Dad - 11:22 am
Tita Heidi

Twitter
Liz

Facebook
Lots...and that made me smile. :)
*Notable: Aly and Meg

Friendster

Ms. Bart
Jeremy Mateo

YM
Ms. Bart

* I also got e-mails from the NBA, Jobstreet/JobsDB, OkCupid and some others I think...hehe...

21st Birthday

I'm old! Hehe...

I promised myself I would blog today, so even though I'm pretty tired, here I am.

I had a good day. It didn't start the way I planned. I planned on waking up early, I think I set my alarm for 8:00 am. I normally set my alarm before 8, but I said I'd let myself sleep a bit longer since it was my birthday. I slept pretty early the night before, around 11:00 pm. I heard my alarm, turned it off...but I didn't get out of bed...I kept negotiating for a few more minutes until it was already 9:00 am. I don't even think I would've gotten out of bed had it not been for the doorbell. I was woken up by the doorbell...immediately I knew there was a buyer waiting outside and so I got up to attend to the customer. Afterwards, I saw my mom and she asked me if I was gonna eat. I said no, because I wanted to go back to bed but I ended up eating anyway because I felt and heard my stomach grumble. I got an apple from the fridge and ate half a slice of tiramisu cake for breakfast. Of course, my mom greeted me and so did my grandma. Then I went back home to do my morning tasks (account for the store's sales the previous day and check the inventory).

My mom asked me where I wanted to have lunch. I told her it was up to her. I didn't really have anything planned for my birthday. I wouldn't have minded if we just stayed home to eat like any other day. I wasn't done with my tasks for the store but I had to take a bath already because we were going out for lunch.

So I took a bath and while waiting for my mom and grandma to finish getting ready, I did what I could for the store. Before we left, I killed a bunch of ants that were pestering the store's goods.

Ma drove and we actually made a wrong turn, which was probably a good thing because we ended up seeing Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsay. Apparently they were shooting in the area for The Wedding. I was sitting in front so I had a good view of them. They were crossing the street with a bunch of people who were assisting them. I think I made eye contact with both Anne and Derek, they looked at the car as they were crossing. So that was a pretty cool detour.

We made it to Lattize for lunch. I was a bit hungry because I didn't have much for breakfast. I had four pieces of garlic bread, seabass with mashed potatoes, ripe mango shake, creme brulee, a piece of crepe.

I was so full after lunch, I felt sleepy but I decided to resume my tasks for the store and to accomplish other errands that I had set out to do. Around 5:15, mom and I left to go to church. Then we had dinner in Metroclub with ma, Kaye, Cha, and Vince.

Then finally, we got home. I watched TV, took a bath, fixed my things, and now I'm blogging.

Basically, that was what I did the entire day...here are the highlights for me.

***

I remember hearing the rain around 11:oo pm, July 21st, I was falling asleep then and I remember smiling and asking God if that was his early birthday gift for me (it almost always rains on my birthday)

I remember getting startled when Cha went near my bed around 12 midnight. I think she was telling me that my phone was ringing, it was actually my phone alarming for my birthday. She greeted me happy birthday. I checked my phone if I had any messages, I didn't...and I went back to sleep.

I checked my phone early morning for messages, I think I woke up because Kaye was leaving for school. I think it had 2 messages: Mom and Hans. I went back to sleep.

I checked my phone again when it alarmed. It had messages: Aileen. I went back to sleep again.

I kept checking my phone every now and then (waiting for a text message from someone, hehe)...it finally came.

I received more messages during the day.

When I checked my e-mail while doing the store's accounts, I saw I had several greetings on Facebook so I logged on and replied to them. I ended up chatting with a few friends while working on the accounts until I had to go for lunch.

Saw Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsay...that was cool.

We were served two crepes for lunch because it was bitter. They didn't charge us for it anymore and they gave us a discount (I think because of my birthday).

Made a lot of phonecalls (Landbank, EastWest, Skycable) to inquire about several things.

Had a pretty good day with mom.

Received a phonecall from dad.

Drove to church as requested by mom.

Had a good time in church.

Received a gift from Cha.

Had 2 pineapple shakes for dinner.

Ms. Bart greeted me through YM and Friendster.

Had a weird but interesting dream...maybe that was the reason why I couldn't get out of bed.

Ate Luz confirmed she was not coming back.

Missed the solar eclipse because I did not get out of bed as planned.

***

Overall, I had a pretty good day. I had a nice time with my mom and grandma. I appreciated all the greetings I received through texts and Facebook. It was nice having all those people greet me.

I like the number 21...it looks pretty cool.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me. Despite the not so good things happening right now, indeed I feel blessed. You know that...I told you a while ago. ;p

Thanks. I offer everything to you. (I liked that the offertory song was "Lord I Offer My Life").

Happy birthday me..haha..

Thanks.

Wish List (Because Liz nudged me to post it already)

Original DVDs of the movies/shows I like

Original CDs
(Daughtry, Matchbox 20 Greatest Hits...can't think of anything else right now. haven't visited the CD store in quite some time)

Compilation of Disney songs
(This is hard to find here in the Philippines so I guess a burned copy will do

Books
(Any good history book; the book written by Herodotus; Enemies and Allies by Kevin J. Anderson; Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho; Any interesting John Grisham books; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with special illustrations, hardbound; For One More Day by Mitch Albom)

Superman comic books/graphic novels
(The Death of Clark Kent; Anything with Lana Lang; Battles with Lex Luthor)

AdMU shirts

NBA cards
(Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker, Mike Bibby, Chris Webber, Chris Paul, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Steve Nash, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard)

Spurs/Silver Stars jerseys/shirts (Duncan, Ginobili, Parker, Becky Hammon)

Nintendo DS..haha..

Green Cross Isopropyl Alcohol with Moisturizer (40% or 70% solution)


That's all I can think of right now..

Most of the things I want are a bit costly, except for the alcohol...but the alcohol would make me really happy since I use it a lot. You guys see the little bottle I bring around right? I refill that every now and then..I don't mind at all if everyone gave me alcohol, as long as it's the right brand. :p

The Teammate Game: Becky and VJ

Was checking the Silver Stars website and I came across this video. Real cute. I love Becky Hammon! I hope the Stars win the championship this year for VJ. Let's go Stars!

I dunno if the video will play...here's the link anyway:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k051Xj76zVQ