I don't know what's up, what's wrong. It's just one of those times. Don't know what I need, what I want. I just want to write, to talk. Don't care if someone's listening, don't care if I'm not making sense.
This is for me.
So many questions. By now, I know I won't get any answers anytime soon. Don't even know if I am supposed to get any. That's just me. I always have questions.
There are so many things people don't know about me. At least, that's what I think. Some people may know more than I think they do. I like what Hans told me the other day; if you really love someone, you will make the effort to get to know them ("pakiramdaman mo" as he put it).
Speaking of Hans, I can't forget what he said. It piqued my interest. He said, "Hindi ko alam kung paano mo ginagawa, pero everytime I want you to learn something, natututunan mo." I told him I didn't even know he was trying to teach me something.
In one of our other conversations he said, "I don't know how you did it, but you passed all the tests I put you through." Again I told him I didn't even know he was testing me; I didn't notice. He said something like, "Exactly. Because you did everything from the heart."
I have a lot to learn from Hans. He's like my big brother. Perhaps I should stop calling him Mr.Bear and start calling him Brother Bear instead.
* Lost my train of thought, someone claimed the Bohol Trip Package *
Just thought of Brian. I wonder how he's doing. I could write him a letter right now, but I would not know how to say the things I want to say. Don't know where to start. I wish I could just see him, sit next to him, take a deep breath, remain silent, and that would say it all.
I can't believe it took 9, almost 10 years before we saw each other again. I couldn't get over how tall he got...haha...but other than that, it was like nothing changed. It was back to 5th grade. We're even closer now after all these years. We've talked more. We spent more time together during my last visit, which was about a month, compared to the year we spent together when we first met. If I had known back then that his house was walking distance from my aunt's, I probably would've come over almost everyday. I miss you Bry. Talk to you soon. I know you're pretty busy too.
I remember reading this quote years ago. Something about the best conversation you can have with someone. You'll just sit there, next to each other, both silent, then you leave and feel like you've had the best conversation you've ever had. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever have that with anyone. I love the song "When You Say Nothing At All" by Ronan Keating (I'm partial to the guy version), not just because it reminds me of Notting Hill, which is one of my favorite movies, but because I'm a romantic, haha...I always wish I'd meet that person who could make that song real to me; doesn't matter if it's a friend or if it's someone more than that. I can feel the lyrics, I can imagine it, but I have not experienced it. I just wonder if I'll ever meet that person I could have a silent conversation with.
It kinda goes back to what Hans told me, if you really love someone, papakiramdaman mo, and you'll know the person. You'll know what he/she feels without even them telling you. I don't know anyone who knows me that well. I can't say I know someone that well either. I can only tell if something is wrong. It's one of the things I want to work on.
***
I miss you. I think I miss you. I know I did. But now I'm not sure. I think I've become a bit numb and I don't know what I feel. Am I just busy that's why I don't feel the pain? Because I know I felt it the past few days. There was a point when I said I'll relish the pain, I will feel the pain. And I did. Is that why I feel numb? Because I've maximized the pain? Is that even possible?
I just know that right now, I've got to put myself back together. Got some issues to fix. I know I won't fix them anytime soon, but I've got to start doing something. I think I have to grow up again. I gotta grow up some more.
I asked Papa: Again? Can't I take a break first? I have to grow up again?
You really love me that much, you put me through so much. I can do this. I know I can. Because you're there.
Can't forget this line during our conversation: Kaya ko 'to, lagi naman diba? Kinakaya ko.
I'm not a quitter.
I miss you. I think I miss you. I know I did. But now I'm not sure. I think I've become a bit numb and I don't know what I feel. Am I just busy that's why I don't feel the pain? Because I know I felt it the past few days. There was a point when I said I'll relish the pain, I will feel the pain. And I did. Is that why I feel numb? Because I've maximized the pain? Is that even possible?
I just know that right now, I've got to put myself back together. Got some issues to fix. I know I won't fix them anytime soon, but I've got to start doing something. I think I have to grow up again. I gotta grow up some more.
I asked Papa: Again? Can't I take a break first? I have to grow up again?
You really love me that much, you put me through so much. I can do this. I know I can. Because you're there.
Can't forget this line during our conversation: Kaya ko 'to, lagi naman diba? Kinakaya ko.
I'm not a quitter.
***
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