You know there's always something to do. In my case, I've got lots of things to do. There are so many things I could be doing, or as my monstrous twin would say, there are so many things I should be doing. Thing is I can't find the heart, inspiration, will, drive, or whatever it is you want to call it, to do anything. So I guess I'm not bored. I'm something else. I just don't know what word to use. Perhaps lethargic, but not quite. Sick? In the head, heart, body, maybe all over.
It's like I want to burst out. I want to do something but I can't.
I want to write; continue the story that's occupied me for the last week or so. But I get a headache just thinking about it.
I want to read; research on universities, scholarships, physical therapy, or any other thing that might help figure out what I really want to do. But my brain feels too tired to absorb anything.
I want to write all my feelings down; tell friends what's been bothering me so that they could perhaps offer some advice. But I don't know where to begin and I'm honestly not in the mood to dig up my emotions.
I want to fix things; organize some of the mess here at home so that I could finally get my own space. But I feel that I will just make more of a mess than actually clean up.
I want to be still and just relish the silence. But I feel like my veins and nerves might pop if I do.
I just want to do something. To disappear maybe, even for just a few seconds. To feel peace. To get a break, some silence in my head. Papa knows how many times I've wanted to take my brain out and replace it with a less complicated one.
Why can't I learn the art of doing nothing? Sometimes it would just be nice if I could simply sit or lie down, do nothing, not think of anything, not worry about anything, not feel bad or useless because I am not doing anything.
I am not blaming the world but sometimes we just complicate things way too much. We've gone so far away from the Logos, from the basic, purest, and essential things in life. Crazy is becoming normal. It is those who still manage to live simply and be in touch with their heart's true desire, despite all the complications and "advancements" that we've managed to create, that I admire the most. And I wish that I could be one of them. But I myself am torn, between the simple me and the complicated me; the passionate and the practical me; my heart and my mind.
Philosophy class has taught me that our existence lies between the heavens and the earth. It seems that it is in our very nature to be torn, if that's how you want to look at it, being composed of a body and a soul. An insight that I can never seem to forget is the importance of balance. I've been seeking for that balance but boy is it hard to achieve, especially in today's world. People say that that's what makes life interesting; finding that balance. No formulas, no manuals. You've just got to find your own way, your own style.
It's open-ended. Gosh I hate open-ended things. I'm one of those who like clear-cut and definite answers. That's one other truth I haven't really managed to accept gracefully...yet...
So maybe leaving this at that is a start. It doesn't always have to end with a conclusion or an insight. Sometimes it just is.
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