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I just know that I had to blog. This past week has been terrible. I've been frustrated and I never found the chance to let it out. The best I was able to get was little fits of punching the couch, pillows, squeezing my stress ball to death. I've been cursing a lot and I don't like it. I've been real short-tempered and I just keep thinking bad about people, how they are so annoying and incompetent. I know I don't mean to and I don't say it out loud so I'm not hurting anyone, but I still don't like it...this is not me.

Last night, I just couldn't take it. I was in bed, praying and having my quiet time...I spent most of it telling God how frustrated I am and telling Him all the things that frustrated me. I couldn't express it the way I wanted to because my mom was asleep on the other bed. Time was up and I still felt like shit. I left the room. Told Cha about it and I tried to cry it out, it wasn't all of it but it helped. I've never experienced this before. Feeling this angry. It's like there's so much anger inside of me. This past week, I just felt so angry all the time. There was a day when I just felt the need to listen to some hard music, I thought it might help. I wanted scream but since I couldn't, maybe hearing other people screaming would help. Yesterday, I tried releasing all the angst by shooting some hoops. It didn't help that much...I might've gotten even more frustrated. I slammed the ball several times. I tried tiring myself by continuously driving hard to basket.

I've never felt this strong of an urge to hit something. I just feel so damn constrained. There's so much I want to let out, but I don't know how and where.

I just want to punch something...I've been wishing that I had a punching bag or that I was taking kickboxing lessons. I just have to hit something....hard....over and over....until I am exhausted and there is nothing left. There is that much anger and frustration inside of me.

It's scary because I've never experienced this before. I just want to go on a rampage. Hit stuff, throw stuff, scream at the top of my lungs...

Here's hoping that typing and writing it would help even just a little.

I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. Hell, I am so damn angry and I don't even know why.
I hate feeling angry all the time.

It scares me. I've stopped taking my anti-depressant, just this week. I don't want to go back into depression. One depressed person in this house is enough. That's why I want to let this out. But the how the hell am I gonna let this out. I can't effing let it out with my mom around me. I need a break dammit.

This helped...a bit...but I need to write this out some more...but not here...