On the way home, we were chatting. The trip on the way to the doctor was a bit tense and problematic but things settled down afterwards. We were talking about visa applications and he recounted the time when he accompanied me and Kaye to the U.S. Embassy when we sought to renew our visas. I was rather moved when he recalled how Kaye and I were just playing and joking with each other while waiting to be interviewed. I remember that to be a pretty special moment; Kaye and I had both been busy with school and we hadn't really spent much time with each other. I posed a math problem that we tried solving and we were drawing cartoons. Dad was just sitting with us and laughing with us. I know I kept and scanned that piece of paper.
It just fascinated me how dad remembered that. He said something like "Relax na relax nga kayo 'nun eh, you were just playing and laughing there." I guess it surprised me that he'd remember something as ordinary as that. Or maybe, like me, he thought it was a special moment as well. That was the first time in a long time that I had laughed with my sister like that and it was the first time in an even longer time, that we spent time with our dad.
*
Later that afternoon, I decided to accompany my grandmother as she searched for a caregiver. I didn't eat lunch before going to the clinic so I was starving when dad brought me home and I just didn't feel like working the rest of the afternoon so I went with ma.
On the way home, we passed by one of the houses she lived in with my grandfather. She said, "There Zy, we lived there. We rented." I proceeded to ask her questions like, "You and lolo?", "How long did you live there?", "How did you pay for the rent?", "How old were you?" And my grandma answered them, pausing to think once in a while.
I thought it was a tender moment. I found myself smiling. I felt like I was getting to know my grandmother, or better put, seeing a side of her that I'd never seen or ever bothered to think about before. I began to wonder what she was like when she was a teenager and when she was my age; how she saw the world and the things that occupied her; her ambitions and the things she looked forward to. I wish I could know.
Nonetheless, I got glimpses of them, through several conversations I've had with her over the past days. That's probably one good thing about staying home a lot.
I can say this: my grandmother has done her best to provide for all her children, and even her grandchildren, I'm living proof of that. Though some of her kids might feel otherwise, she sought to be fair to all of them, to make sure they're all all right. It makes me sad when I realize that not many of us see this. Because I felt her emotion and sincerity when she recounted the things she allotted for her children.
I know sometimes I fail to show my appreciation towards her. But I hope I make up for that every now and then, through the little things. Little conversations. Joining her for a meal. Accompanying her for a while. Doing her small favors.
(Just now, ma called and asked what I was doing. We talked for a bit.)
*
After dinner, I joined mom and ma at the den. I stayed a while though I eventually left mom with ma as she waited for Febe to finish eating.
I smiled when I saw my mom attending to my grandma. It was one of those occasional moments when my mom would overtly show her tender side. She put a blanket on ma and made sure she was comfortable as she settled on the couch.
I find myself getting along better with my mom when I see her getting along well with my grandma. I don't know if it's one of those subconscious you-do-it-to-her so I-do-it-to-you (unintentionally). I know they've got their issues and my mom and I have ours as well. But it's easier for me to soften up when I see her soften up to my grandma. I find it extremely irritating and disappointing when I see her get mean to ma and they leave me caught in between them.
But going back, I liked seeing that. It was honestly heartwarming. And I wondered if anyone would do that for me when I get older.
*
So it was the tragic day that a massive earthquake and tsunami hit Japan. I was online but was clueless until I read Kelly's Facebook status. I immediately sent her a message. I googled it and I found out what was happening. I watched the news with ma and mom. Then I went home for my evening shower.
Before heading to the bathroom, I sat and watched the news some more. I switched between CNN, BBC, Euronews, ANC, and TV Patrol. As I sat there, I felt for the people of Japan and said a short prayer.
As I watched for updates regarding the possible tsunami heading for the Philippines, I know I wished that no damage would occur. And as the reporters discussed future earthquakes and calamities, I know I wished nothing would happen. But somewhere, maybe in the sad, confused, and disturbed part of my being, I found solace in the thought of such events. As scary and as dark as it might sound, I thought that such events might bring balance back to the world. Set us on the right path again. Remind us of what is truly important. Bring us back to the bare essentials. Rid us of the unnecessary complexities that we've created.
Or maybe it was just me getting weary and frightened of this search I am embarking on. The search for myself and my true passion, my place and purpose on this earth. I wish no one harm. But I do wish that things were simpler.
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