Pre-Graduation...Hehehe...

Is there such a thing such as graduation jitters? I feel pretty weird right now...like my head is spinning or something...hehehe...I'm in a surprisingly cheerful mood. I had a pretty good day. Kinda interesting considering I experienced a range of emotions.

I had a hard time getting out of bed. I slept around 3 a.m. I planned on staying up much later to wait for my phone to finish charging but I fell asleep. Blue Roast was pretty interesting for me...will talk about that next time...maybe...Anyway, I had a pretty bad dream. It was about a war and a bunch of dead people from the war. I was walking through a mall that was filled with war casualties, it was pretty gross and scary. Then when I finally had the strength to get out of bed, I turned on the TV (as usual) and put it on Basketball...it's a habit and kind of like a reflex for me...hehe...saw the last few minutes of the Celtics-Magic game. When another time-out was called I decided to start taking a bath and I occasionally checked the game out until it was finished (Celtics lost...I was happy...hehe)

Mom decided to bring me to school, she said she had nothing to do so she tagged along on my way to school. I decided to go to the Jesuit Residence to check if Fr. Arcilla was there. I waited for him since the lady at the front desk said he would be back in a while. I asked him to sign my book and I took a picture with him. On my way out, I suddenly felt discontent and decided to ask for a dedication from him so I went back and asked him to write a dedication and I took another picture with him.

Some memorable lines from Fr. Arcilla:
This is ancient/like a relic. What are you gonna do with that? Are you gonna put it in a museum?....Wonderful...Congratulations!

He told me he probably wasn't gonna be in the graduation ceremony tomorrow. He was real nice. I thought it was nice of him to come out again just to write a dedication. He was eating lunch...hehe...

After a while, Irrisse arrived and we went on our way to St. Stephen's for Ai's surprise grad party. Irrisse and I had a great conversation about the silent retreat and some other things. It's always great talking with Irrisse. We can relate to each other in many ways, we're similar in a lot of ways and I find that nice.

A memorable line from Irrisse:
Don't worry Zy, hindi ka kakainin ng mga Chinese.

Then it was Ai's surprise party. I met her care group. It was nice seeing Ai with them. It was like seeing a different side of Ai which was nice. We ate a lot of carbonara and chocolate cake. I was proud of my friend for having accomplished so many things, for being a great leader to other people. I felt blessed to be her friend. After some picture taking, haircutting, and watching YouTube videos, Ai and her care group had to practice and Irrisse brought me to Recto Station. We had another fun conversation on the way then we hugged and said bye to each other. I felt happy and somewhat sad because I was gonna miss seeing Irrisse randomly and having casual conversations with her. I always liked running into her in school.

I texted her and bought a gift for her and for my thyroid doctor in Gateway. I didn't feel like going home right away so I dropped by Sleepcare and Humor Post in Shang. I really didn't feel like going home and was feeling pretty sad...had a heartache, haha...so I decided to go to church and also have my quiet time there. I cried. It started with one frustration and then led to another. After that, I continued walking home. When I reached the village, I decided to walk slow...I couldn't walk slow while I was outside, was bothered by all the cars and other people. I remembered the times I would walk around the vicinity of Holy Spirit Mission Service Center in Tagaytay. It felt nice. Then I felt the urge to just continue walking around, but I wanted to put my bag down first so I went home and put my bag inside the room. No one was home and so I really decided to stroll around the village. I felt like taking pictures, something I wasn't able to do during the retreat because I didn't bring a camera so I went around the village taking pictures of plants, the clouds, and some people. I ate cereal afterwards and I took some picture of Gio while I was at the garden. After that, I took a bath, fixed my things and did some "errands", preparing for grad and all.

It was real nice walking around the village and taking pictures, I enjoyed myself...something I don't normally do...it helped make me feel better. The alone time was nice too.

Other highlights: Hans texted on my way home, it was nice having a text conversation with him although both of us were feeling pretty down. Talked to Isabela on the phone...talked about a lot of things. It's always nice talking to her. Mom and I said "love you" over the phone, which I think is a first. I was actually surprised at how easy the words came out of my mouth, I usually feel awkward saying it to her, I just usually tell her through text. Kaye just congratulated me through plurk...somehow it made me feel good, proud...even though I won't be graduating with honors...which still stings by the way.

Generally I had a nice day. I had a good and honest conversation with God during my quiet time. I talked with friends and I was able to let go, relax, and express myself walking around and taking pictures.

Something funny:
Iso sent me an invitation but when I checked my mail it wasn't there yet...turns out she sent it to zy_puppy722...hehe...I was pretty sleepy already...made me laugh... =p

Something memorable:
When someone asked what magis was, Irrisse and Aileen pointed me out. Irrisse said I was magis personified. It was nice hearing something like that. I always love compliments, don't get enough of them, especially from myself. It was just nice. Made me feel good.

Another thing that cheered me up:
Spurs won...Manu's back, Tim wasn't there though...it was Tony's night, scored 42 points.

I should be going to bed now. I have to get up early for the Baccalaureate Mass. I've been waking up early these past few days.

I'll try to get some sleep now...wouldn't want to be all sleepy and disoriented tomorrow...hehe...

Cheers. AMDG.

...

Just felt like blogging to ease the discomfort. I was going through the graduation handout given by the ADAA. I saw the graduation layout...I saw the seats for the parents of honor students. It stung again. All my life, I've wanted my mom to sit in one of those chairs, the chairs reserved for the honors' parents. I never got it. I've wanted to know how it felt like. I've gotten awards but never the special kind...at least not in my standards. It's upsetting, frustrating, and disappointing. It's one of the things I'll be writing in my list of frustrations.

Don't Know What to Call this One

Just got home from ADMU. Picked up my toga, grad invitations, honors card, talked with Sir Raffy, met with Legendairy groupmates to settle accounts and return their things. I planned on staying longer in school but Cha said she needed something so I decided to go home earlier.

I don't feel so well. I think it's the heat, I walked to the Jesuit Residence to talk to Fr. Arcilla and it was bloody hot. I got a headache and so I decided to stay at the lib until I was picked up. I read the fresh issue of The Guidon to pass the time (that was after my headache sort of subsided).

Now I still got a bunch of stuff to do...here I am again with my urge to get check things off my to-do-list...trying to control it though, won't force myself to move around if I'm not up to it...my head hurts again...

I wanted to blog last night but I was too tired...I just wanted to say that I got more depressed watching Watchmen than The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Watchmen gave me some stuff to think about, but the way it ended was pretty depressing for me...do things really work like that? Is the world/society really like that? It's pretty sad.

Well, off I go to check my mail and do other things...will blog again if I feel like it.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

I just got home from watching The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Cha didn't like the movie, she found it too depressing. I, on the other hand, liked the movie. Yes it was sad, but it was a good tribute to the Jews who passed away and were discriminated against during the Holocaust. I'm just a little disappointed that I didn't get to stay inside the moviehouse to finish the credits. I was enjoying the music and I wanted to sit their for awhile to give respects to those who passed away during the Second World War. To make up for that, here I am blogging.

I'm contemplating if I wanna see the film again and finish the credits this time. It was a good film. I never felt the evils of the Holocaust until I watched the film. Sure, I've read and learned about it, how the Jews were discriminated against, treated badly, and killed, but I never felt it. I just want to pay my respects to all of the victims of the Second World War. This blog entry is for them.

Better

I just felt like I had to blog again to continue what I was saying a while ago...just to give an update basically...

I am better now. For the first time since the retreat I prayed with Scripture again. I used the Ignatian Contemplation in my prayer period before the mass. I'm not gonna detail what happened during my prayer period, that's for me and my journal...hehe...but basically, it went well. I felt a whole lot better after praying. God told me to "Come and see", I reflected on John 1:35-39...I was also able to realize something, I hate not being in control and not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent and I hate feeling that way...it's something I could reflect on in the future or in the coming days (though I doubt it, I don't think I'll be able to thoroughly reflect on that in the coming days...I'll probably reflect on other things first. Then, He showed me something in the end, something I've been longing for or wishing for. What I saw did not completely take away the pain and the sadness that I feel but it gave me hope and something to smile about. Then I just talked to Him and He told me a few other things. So, thanks Lord.

So after that, I've been in a pretty good mood. Had a pretty nice chat with Ducky, a nice dinner in Savory Chicken Greenhills with mom, ma, and Ducky. Then went home. Bothered Cha, hehe...took a bath, fixed my things (I got all O.C. and I usually fix things when I'm anxious or feel like I need to undisorient my brain), updated my backup files, now I'm currently uploading pictures from my phone...I am actually getting some stuff checked off my to-do-list, it makes me feel good, but now I've got other things to feel good about like my prayer period.

Basically, the urge to continually do something is still there. I admit I'm not totally fine yet, but I am doing better. I'll manage, I just have to control myself...hehe....that's not easy... =p

** Blogging is part of my to-do-list, I mean I have some stuff I haven't blogged about...stuff that I just want to remember so I wanna blog about 'em...dunno when I'll get to do that, but I will...someday...hehe...hoping to try and enjoy doing the things I have to do....(there I go again with my "haves"....I should practice "coulds")...hoping to try and enjoy doing the things I COULD do. No pressure (at least try)...**

**I just remebered, I'm bummed out that the Spurs lost to the Celtics...arg...darn those Celtics...**

Lost

I was on my way downstairs when thoughts just entered into head and I decided that maybe I should blog. I don't know if I really wanted to blog or if I psyched myself into blogging. I just had to do something. It's so hot and I've got a lot on my mind. I don't think I would have survived the silence, sitting alone on the couch, doing nothing.

That's been one of problems lately. I have this urge to always do something. I O.C. in me makes me feel like there is a lot to do, like I have so much unfinished business...it never ends...and it's tiring to be honest. The only time I ever felt free was during my retreat. I haven't even blogged about that yet and it's one of the things in my virtual to-do-list. I just have this to-do-list in the back of my head. Now that I think about it, I wanna scrap the list. I feel tired.

I don't know if it's because I went to the hospital today, but I just feel pretty messed up right now. A bit irritated. I don't know what I want to do. Things just feel real messed up right now. I haven't felt this way in a while. I want a break. But I won't even give myself that.

I was encoding the notes I made on my phone a while ago, notes from my session with Sir Ron last Friday and from my session last March 10 with Brother Martin, my spiritual companion. It felt good accomplishing those. I think the feeling stems from the fact that I can scratch them off my to-do-list. I don't know what's with me. I only felt good for a few moments. I felt good that I accomplished something but then the whole, you have a lot of other things that you need to do feeling or thought interrupted everything. Then I felt bad again. Why do I never let myself feel good or enjoy something? I hate it.

One of the things I realized during the retreat was that I like accomplishing things because they make me feel good, I mean, I always look for something to do because when I don't do anything, I feel worthless and useless...like I am nothing if I don't accomplish anything. Harsh...and I think that's why I have this compulsion to be doing something today. It's messed up. It's like I feel that my life will get fixed if I do all of these things. I am tired. I really do want to get rid of this list in the back of my mind. But I don't know how.

I remember what I felt during the retreat. I felt free. The last time I felt that way was during one of my practice games in basketball, 2nd year P.E. I was on the court and I just felt free. I remember having a Calculus exam that day, but I did not worry about it. I did not worry about anything while I was on the court. I wish I can feel that way again. I feel like I am a captive of my own self. And it is very tiring. I want to quit.

Gotta go for now....Have to hear mass...Hopefully I'll be better off after.

Just Felt Like I Had to Blog...for old time's sake...

Will be going to Tagaytay tomorrow for my retreat, will be gone for three days. Just wanted to blog before I left. I haven't blogged in a while. A mixture of feelings. Not exactly in the mood to elaborate...but right now, I'm not feeling very well...disappointed. Will get back to this when I am ready.

Happy. Talked to Isabela. Talking to her usually cheers me up, don't know why. She's one of the few people who lighten things up for me. I felt happy just knowing she was in a good state. I think it's the first time I felt genuinely happy for someone, without even thinking of my own state.

Talked to Cha. Felt kinda better. Cried and just kinda poured feelings out.

Just feeling a mixture of things, I shift from feeling good to feeling bad. I feel ready to deal with it though...just trying to let my feelings take their course.

Lots of things happened and are happening. Kinda have a lot on my plate. But I feel ready to take them on. Like what Isabela said, things will work out in the end...can't wait for that, but for now I'll just let things be. Try to enjoy what I can. Live and feel a range of emotions. It's part of being human after all.