Lost

I was on my way downstairs when thoughts just entered into head and I decided that maybe I should blog. I don't know if I really wanted to blog or if I psyched myself into blogging. I just had to do something. It's so hot and I've got a lot on my mind. I don't think I would have survived the silence, sitting alone on the couch, doing nothing.

That's been one of problems lately. I have this urge to always do something. I O.C. in me makes me feel like there is a lot to do, like I have so much unfinished business...it never ends...and it's tiring to be honest. The only time I ever felt free was during my retreat. I haven't even blogged about that yet and it's one of the things in my virtual to-do-list. I just have this to-do-list in the back of my head. Now that I think about it, I wanna scrap the list. I feel tired.

I don't know if it's because I went to the hospital today, but I just feel pretty messed up right now. A bit irritated. I don't know what I want to do. Things just feel real messed up right now. I haven't felt this way in a while. I want a break. But I won't even give myself that.

I was encoding the notes I made on my phone a while ago, notes from my session with Sir Ron last Friday and from my session last March 10 with Brother Martin, my spiritual companion. It felt good accomplishing those. I think the feeling stems from the fact that I can scratch them off my to-do-list. I don't know what's with me. I only felt good for a few moments. I felt good that I accomplished something but then the whole, you have a lot of other things that you need to do feeling or thought interrupted everything. Then I felt bad again. Why do I never let myself feel good or enjoy something? I hate it.

One of the things I realized during the retreat was that I like accomplishing things because they make me feel good, I mean, I always look for something to do because when I don't do anything, I feel worthless and useless...like I am nothing if I don't accomplish anything. Harsh...and I think that's why I have this compulsion to be doing something today. It's messed up. It's like I feel that my life will get fixed if I do all of these things. I am tired. I really do want to get rid of this list in the back of my mind. But I don't know how.

I remember what I felt during the retreat. I felt free. The last time I felt that way was during one of my practice games in basketball, 2nd year P.E. I was on the court and I just felt free. I remember having a Calculus exam that day, but I did not worry about it. I did not worry about anything while I was on the court. I wish I can feel that way again. I feel like I am a captive of my own self. And it is very tiring. I want to quit.

Gotta go for now....Have to hear mass...Hopefully I'll be better off after.