Realizations

Like I said, I realized several things yesterday.

First on my way home, it wasn't really a realization but more of a conversation with myself. One of the things that Sir Ron shared with me during our talks was imagining talking to yourself. I forgot what he called the method. I imagined talking to the kid inside of me, the young Zy. I apologized for the times I've been harsh on myself, for letting myself down, pushing myself too hard, not giving myself the chance to pursue what I really loved. I feel like I've lost a part of me as I grew up and I've only been able to reconnect with that part during the retreat. I asked myself what do I really want...because I know the answer is somewhere inside of me. I think I buried it somewhere and I would need to help myself uncover it. It might sound a bit insane but it felt good talking to myself...to the young Zy...and I'm trying to become friends with myself.

For the past few days, I've noticed that I've been rather sensitive...I've been more open about what I feel to other people. In a way, I felt that I've been putting myself out there. It's a bit weird and scary because it makes you feel a bit vulnerable...divulging your feelings to other people, risk being turned down or laughed at. I'm not sure what's been up with me but I just noticed that I've been like that.

My conversation with Cha started with a question about Aileen. The same question I asked Hans...why is she not that showy...I guess the question came out because I've felt like I've been a bit showy the past few days. One of the things Hans said was that maybe she is not that attached. And so another conversation came into mind, one with Isabela, about friendship, attachment, and emotional investment in other people. Hans and I talked about that on the way home and I guess I couldn't put the topic to rest and so I continued talking about it with Cha.

In the end, I realized that I am looking for exclusivity. Isabela told me a couple of days ago that perhaps I was looking for a commitment. I told Cha I just feel like I have so much to give and to offer inside of me but I can't share it with someone. I told Cha that sometimes I feel sad and lonely because I feel like I always value other people more than I am valued. I realized that I was trying to look for exclusivity in my friendships...but it friendships don't work like that. Each friend has a different kind of relationship with another friend. It made sense to me why I would feel jealous of my friends' friends sometimes. I'm looking for someone to give me a hundred percent of their attention. I mean someone that you could just share everything with...I am able to do that with my friends...but I'm looking for exclusivity.

The other day, when I had a bad day...this was probably the reason I got upset. Suddenly, I realized that I didn't have that and as what Isabela said, I guess I freaked out because I was confronted with my greatest fear...being alone...Cha said, she doesn't have that same fear. And so I wondered, weren't we looking for the same thing? Then I realized that maybe it mattered more to me because of the way I grew up. I never had a complete and happy family...and maybe that's why I have such a big need for a certain kind of companionship. I've thought about this before but it made much more sense last night. A part of me is the way it is because I didn't grow up with a father. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

It's just somewhat liberating realizing some of these things. Somehow, I make much more sense to myself. But what to do with these realizations, I'm not too sure yet. But it was nice.