Just Wanted to Note - Funny

Dad called me 6:24 a.m.

We were having breakfast then (the traditional breakfast every 24th after the Simbang Gabi for my mom's birthday). He got stuck in the bathroom. He told me to push the door. I tried banging my arm against it, ended up hurting myself, hehe.

Probably wasn't thinking too clearly since I only got about 3 hours of sleep. Was busy preparing some stuff, slept almost 1 a.m. then had to wake up around 4 a.m. for the dawn mass. Was so sleepy...

Happy birthday mom!

Found this in my Yahoomail

First World Philippines Bulletin

Posted by CKate Cu

Sa mahigit na isang daang taon nating paggunita sa ating kalayaan, sa dami ng People Power na nabuo sa Edsa, sa ilang ulit nating pagbangon pagkaraan ng mga bagyo at kalamidad at sa milyon milyong Pilipinong umaaalis ng bansa upang maghanap ng kapalaran sa ibang bansa, natanong na ba natin sa ating mga sarili kung kelan natin maabot ang tagumpay ng isang bansang may matatag na ekonomiya, kultura, pulitika, suguridad at pagkilala sa sarili?

Marahil sa dinami dami ng mga unos at problemang dumarating sa buhay natin, hindi na natin maisip na posibleng mapabilang ang ating bansa sa mga nangunguna sa kahit anong larangan. Ngunit hindi mo ba napapansin kung gaano kagaling ang mga Pilipino? Mayroon tayong angking galing at talino na hinahangaan ng ibang bansa. Madalas na tayo ang hinahanap na manggagawa dahil sa ating sipag at kakayahan. Tunay na maipagmamalaki rin ang ating kaalaman sa agham, teknolohiya, sining, palakasan at medisina. Nakakalungkot lang na ang nakikinabang sa mga ginintuang karunungan ng ating mga kababayan ay ibang lahi. Madalas, ang pagkilala ay naibibigay sa kung saang bansa naghahanapbuhay ang Pilipino, at hindi mismo sa ating lahi na siya namang nanguna sa kung ano mang pag-aaral na nagawa.

Alam nyo ba na ang Pilipinas ang isa sa pinaka-mayamang bansa sa Asya sa larangan ng likas yaman. Mayroon tayong maipagmamalaking yamang tubig, yamang bundok at yamang mineral. Bukod dito, kay raming mga mga hayop at halaman na sa atin lamang makikita. Sadyang pinagkalooban tayo ng kay gandang mga biyaya. Ngunit bakit tila wala ng nakikitang pag-asa ang ating mga kababayan dito sa ating bansa? Sa tingin ko, hindi lang ito dahil sa ating pamahalaan o pulitika, bagaman isa itong malaking punto, at hindi rin dahil sa disiplina, dahil makikita natin na disiplinado naman ang mga Pilipino sa ibang bansa, kung hindi ito dahil nawawala na rin ang ating pagpapahalaga sa sarili nating lahi. Di nga ba't marami sa atin ang nais na maging mamamayan ng ibang bansa? Napapansin mo ba na maraming dayuhan ang nais ditong manirahan? Ang ganda ng ating bansa, at nakikita yun ng ibang lahi. Bakit hindi mo iyon makita?

Kapatid, maaaring sa ngayon mahirap isipin ang ikapangyayari na maging isang FIRST WORLD COUNTRY ang Pilipinas. Ngunit hindi ibig sabihin nito ay titigil kaming maniwala na ito ay balang araw magkakatotoo. Pilipino ka, Pilipino tayo. Bakit hindi tayo magkasundo na iangat ang ating bansa? Bakit hindi nating tanggaling ang ating mga pag-aalinlangan at ibuhos natin ang pag-ibig sa bayan at isulong ang bayanihan. Kaya natin ito. Halina't makisama at tayo nang maging bagong simula!

Where Amazing Happens

It's crazy how I haven't watched an NBA game for quite some time. I don't get to watch TV anymore (heck, I don't even get to sleep in my own bed anymore)...but I visit nba.com almost everyday to check out the scores, especially when there's a Spurs game.

Saw this headline and I just had to watch it. Awesome. Wish I could've watched the game live.

This is what I've been missing...

For You Guys (Reminder to Self)

This is one of those things I thought of doing. I remember this idea crossed my mind sometime during senior year. I told myself I'd do it. I was having one of my daydream moments that day.

I have a lot of those. I daydream a lot...I think I daydream too much...haha...but this was one of the more productive daydream things. Good ideas usually pop into my head, but I end up forgetting most of them. I either write a note on my cellphone or I keep a mental note and tell myself I will write it or do it later, but I never get to. It's a bad habit. It sucks. Liz gave me a notebook where I can jot down stuff, but I get too lazy to write sometimes. I think I really do need an electronic organizer.

I think I should start this now before I forget again. I won't finish it, but at least I've started.

The idea was to write some kind of book. (Well, it's not really a book)...just some kind of compilation of entries. It's like a journal about the people who have touched my life, play an important role in my life. Each person would have their own document (I was gonna do it in Word). I'd write the things that that person has taught me or contributed to my growth and character as a person. And I'd also write all the memorable moments I've had with that person.

The plan was to start it and then just keep updating it every now and then. When it gets thick enough. I'd give it to the person. Something to remember me by (when I just suddenly disappear...haha...kidding, that wasn't part of the plan). Just something I hope would make the person smile and feel special, because they are to me.

(Thinking if I will continue this here or just create the document)

***
Going with the latter

At least now, I have a blog entry reminding me about this.

For Me: Random Babbling

Haven't done this in a long time. Missed writing. Missed a lot of things. Missing a lot of things.

I don't know what's up, what's wrong. It's just one of those times. Don't know what I need, what I want. I just want to write, to talk. Don't care if someone's listening, don't care if I'm not making sense.

This is for me.

So many questions. By now, I know I won't get any answers anytime soon. Don't even know if I am supposed to get any. That's just me. I always have questions.

There are so many things people don't know about me. At least, that's what I think. Some people may know more than I think they do. I like what Hans told me the other day; if you really love someone, you will make the effort to get to know them ("pakiramdaman mo" as he put it).

Speaking of Hans, I can't forget what he said. It piqued my interest. He said, "Hindi ko alam kung paano mo ginagawa, pero everytime I want you to learn something, natututunan mo." I told him I didn't even know he was trying to teach me something.

In one of our other conversations he said, "I don't know how you did it, but you passed all the tests I put you through." Again I told him I didn't even know he was testing me; I didn't notice. He said something like, "Exactly. Because you did everything from the heart."

I have a lot to learn from Hans. He's like my big brother. Perhaps I should stop calling him Mr.Bear and start calling him Brother Bear instead.

* Lost my train of thought, someone claimed the Bohol Trip Package *

Just thought of Brian. I wonder how he's doing. I could write him a letter right now, but I would not know how to say the things I want to say. Don't know where to start. I wish I could just see him, sit next to him, take a deep breath, remain silent, and that would say it all.

I can't believe it took 9, almost 10 years before we saw each other again. I couldn't get over how tall he got...haha...but other than that, it was like nothing changed. It was back to 5th grade. We're even closer now after all these years. We've talked more. We spent more time together during my last visit, which was about a month, compared to the year we spent together when we first met. If I had known back then that his house was walking distance from my aunt's, I probably would've come over almost everyday. I miss you Bry. Talk to you soon. I know you're pretty busy too.

I remember reading this quote years ago. Something about the best conversation you can have with someone. You'll just sit there, next to each other, both silent, then you leave and feel like you've had the best conversation you've ever had. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever have that with anyone. I love the song "When You Say Nothing At All" by Ronan Keating (I'm partial to the guy version), not just because it reminds me of Notting Hill, which is one of my favorite movies, but because I'm a romantic, haha...I always wish I'd meet that person who could make that song real to me; doesn't matter if it's a friend or if it's someone more than that. I can feel the lyrics, I can imagine it, but I have not experienced it. I just wonder if I'll ever meet that person I could have a silent conversation with.

It kinda goes back to what Hans told me, if you really love someone, papakiramdaman mo, and you'll know the person. You'll know what he/she feels without even them telling you. I don't know anyone who knows me that well. I can't say I know someone that well either. I can only tell if something is wrong. It's one of the things I want to work on.

***

I miss you. I think I miss you. I know I did. But now I'm not sure. I think I've become a bit numb and I don't know what I feel. Am I just busy that's why I don't feel the pain? Because I know I felt it the past few days. There was a point when I said I'll relish the pain, I will feel the pain. And I did. Is that why I feel numb? Because I've maximized the pain? Is that even possible?

I just know that right now, I've got to put myself back together. Got some issues to fix. I know I won't fix them anytime soon, but I've got to start doing something. I think I have to grow up again. I gotta grow up some more.

I asked Papa: Again? Can't I take a break first? I have to grow up again?

You really love me that much, you put me through so much. I can do this. I know I can. Because you're there.

Can't forget this line during our conversation: Kaya ko 'to, lagi naman diba? Kinakaya ko.

I'm not a quitter.

***

From Minette's Notes

Was gonna look at my notes on FB. Before I reached my page, this was the note posted.

It struck a chord.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. "

- Bob Marley

My MVP

This is one of many tributes to my fave WNBA player of all time.

Why don't you just end my misery now?...I'm so tired. I don't want to get hurt anymore.

Manu Swats a Bat

Still haven't watched a Spurs game live...but it's alright, 2-1, not bad...

Silver Stars 2008-2009 WNBA Season

Just like the Ateneo, win or lose, I love my Silver Stars.
And I love my MVP, Becky Hammon.

Let's go Stars!

More of Becky

Some cute videos of my all-time fave WNBA player...Becky rocks!

I Love Becky Hammon

My favorite WNBA player of all time...

Family

I had a hard time falling asleep last night so I listened to music..I woke up around 4am to watch the Stars' game. I fell asleep while waiting for the stuff to load. When I woke up, there was only about a minute left in the fourth, the game was tied at 57 a piece. I waited for the video to load, but it was a bit choppy, so I had to settle switching between the video and the game scoreboard just to see the update (the scoreboard updates first anyway). Stars won...of course I was happy. Went back to sleep for about an hour, waited for my alarm to go off again to get up for my doctor's appointment. I was so sleepy, I ended up getting out of bed around 6:45 (I alarmed at 6:00...hehe)...I brushed my teeth and changed.

I grabbed a Goldilock's mamon for breakfast. I was about to eat it when I saw a black spot, I asked mom what that was and she said it was a mold, so I threw the mamon...I was disgruntled because I was hungry. I was sleepy too so I was extra irritable. I just slept while waiting for the doctor. Mom bought food from the convenience store outside the hospital, but I didn't eat it until later because I was busy sleeping. The doctor was late and I was third on the list. The check-up was fine. I'll see her again in three months.

Went home. Took a bath. Did my usual accounting routine for the store (inventory and cash). Was getting hungry, ma hadn't called yet so I decided to go to her house. She was watching President Cory's burial, I watched a bit then we ate. I received a text from Isabela telling me she was going to Shang. I was going there too, with Cha, to buy the exercise machine we saved up for in Toby's. Told Isabela I'd meet her.

Cha and I left. Went to Toby's. We kinda got on each other's nerves, I wasn't in a good mood...she said something, I answered back, she got pissed. We bought the exercise machine, I asked for a discount since it was the display, there wasn't any new stock. Called ma to ask if we could get the car to fetch the machine. Cha went home. I stayed and met up with Isabela.

Had a nice time. It was a very welcome break from all the stuff at home. We talked a bit about what was going on.

It's funny because for some reason, I always end up accompanying Isabela when she goes shopping. I'm not exactly the best person to go clothes shopping with...hehe...I'm better at CD, DVD, books, sports stuff. I spent some time with her family. Met her little nephew from Australia. Got to be around the family. Witnessed their interaction. It was nice. Her mom told me to come over their house sometime.

Before heading home, I decided to drop by church. Appreciated the peace and silence. Was able to talk to Him decently. Walking home, I got a bit sentimental. I was thinking about Isabela and her family...it was nice seeing them...I wondered once again what it's like having a complete family and growing up in one.

Well, that's mainly why I blogged...I just wanted to note that feeling...and I'm happy I was able to spend time with Isabela. I miss hanging with my nerdy friends...haha...I'm glad she texted me and told me she was going to Shang.

Speaking of text messages, last Sunday Ai texted to check up on me...she knew I wasn't doing well so she asked how I was. I appreciated the thought and concern. I've been longing to talk to them, to just spend some time with them.

Later.

Belated Greeting Worth Posting

Here's something that gave me a reason to smile today: Bry sent me a belated birthday e-card.

I thought he forgot and I felt pretty sad when I didn't receive any greeting from him during my birthday. My birthday seemed a tad incomplete. But he made up for it with perfect timing....With the way things are going here at home, I've been in a pretty rotten state....Bry's e-card cheered me up though. Thanks Bry. Talk to you soon.

kgvhw8ur39058

I just know that I had to blog. This past week has been terrible. I've been frustrated and I never found the chance to let it out. The best I was able to get was little fits of punching the couch, pillows, squeezing my stress ball to death. I've been cursing a lot and I don't like it. I've been real short-tempered and I just keep thinking bad about people, how they are so annoying and incompetent. I know I don't mean to and I don't say it out loud so I'm not hurting anyone, but I still don't like it...this is not me.

Last night, I just couldn't take it. I was in bed, praying and having my quiet time...I spent most of it telling God how frustrated I am and telling Him all the things that frustrated me. I couldn't express it the way I wanted to because my mom was asleep on the other bed. Time was up and I still felt like shit. I left the room. Told Cha about it and I tried to cry it out, it wasn't all of it but it helped. I've never experienced this before. Feeling this angry. It's like there's so much anger inside of me. This past week, I just felt so angry all the time. There was a day when I just felt the need to listen to some hard music, I thought it might help. I wanted scream but since I couldn't, maybe hearing other people screaming would help. Yesterday, I tried releasing all the angst by shooting some hoops. It didn't help that much...I might've gotten even more frustrated. I slammed the ball several times. I tried tiring myself by continuously driving hard to basket.

I've never felt this strong of an urge to hit something. I just feel so damn constrained. There's so much I want to let out, but I don't know how and where.

I just want to punch something...I've been wishing that I had a punching bag or that I was taking kickboxing lessons. I just have to hit something....hard....over and over....until I am exhausted and there is nothing left. There is that much anger and frustration inside of me.

It's scary because I've never experienced this before. I just want to go on a rampage. Hit stuff, throw stuff, scream at the top of my lungs...

Here's hoping that typing and writing it would help even just a little.

I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. Hell, I am so damn angry and I don't even know why.
I hate feeling angry all the time.

It scares me. I've stopped taking my anti-depressant, just this week. I don't want to go back into depression. One depressed person in this house is enough. That's why I want to let this out. But the how the hell am I gonna let this out. I can't effing let it out with my mom around me. I need a break dammit.

This helped...a bit...but I need to write this out some more...but not here...

7/22/09 Archive

Personal

Cha - 12:oo am
Ma
Fr. Ichabod
Lattize
Ding

Text messages

Mom - 5:45:46 am
Hans - 6:31:52 am
Aileen - 7:50:41 am
Mychal - 8:03:05 am
Kat - 8:15:19 am
Ate Nic - 8:41:43 am
Dad - 10:43:12 am
Kei - 10:45:22 am
Irrisse - 12:26:05 am
Tito Tic - 2:49:21 pm
Vince - 7:53:02 pm
Cha - 7:55:28 pm
Jane - 9:58:35 pm

Phonecall

Dad - 11:22 am
Tita Heidi

Twitter
Liz

Facebook
Lots...and that made me smile. :)
*Notable: Aly and Meg

Friendster

Ms. Bart
Jeremy Mateo

YM
Ms. Bart

* I also got e-mails from the NBA, Jobstreet/JobsDB, OkCupid and some others I think...hehe...

21st Birthday

I'm old! Hehe...

I promised myself I would blog today, so even though I'm pretty tired, here I am.

I had a good day. It didn't start the way I planned. I planned on waking up early, I think I set my alarm for 8:00 am. I normally set my alarm before 8, but I said I'd let myself sleep a bit longer since it was my birthday. I slept pretty early the night before, around 11:00 pm. I heard my alarm, turned it off...but I didn't get out of bed...I kept negotiating for a few more minutes until it was already 9:00 am. I don't even think I would've gotten out of bed had it not been for the doorbell. I was woken up by the doorbell...immediately I knew there was a buyer waiting outside and so I got up to attend to the customer. Afterwards, I saw my mom and she asked me if I was gonna eat. I said no, because I wanted to go back to bed but I ended up eating anyway because I felt and heard my stomach grumble. I got an apple from the fridge and ate half a slice of tiramisu cake for breakfast. Of course, my mom greeted me and so did my grandma. Then I went back home to do my morning tasks (account for the store's sales the previous day and check the inventory).

My mom asked me where I wanted to have lunch. I told her it was up to her. I didn't really have anything planned for my birthday. I wouldn't have minded if we just stayed home to eat like any other day. I wasn't done with my tasks for the store but I had to take a bath already because we were going out for lunch.

So I took a bath and while waiting for my mom and grandma to finish getting ready, I did what I could for the store. Before we left, I killed a bunch of ants that were pestering the store's goods.

Ma drove and we actually made a wrong turn, which was probably a good thing because we ended up seeing Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsay. Apparently they were shooting in the area for The Wedding. I was sitting in front so I had a good view of them. They were crossing the street with a bunch of people who were assisting them. I think I made eye contact with both Anne and Derek, they looked at the car as they were crossing. So that was a pretty cool detour.

We made it to Lattize for lunch. I was a bit hungry because I didn't have much for breakfast. I had four pieces of garlic bread, seabass with mashed potatoes, ripe mango shake, creme brulee, a piece of crepe.

I was so full after lunch, I felt sleepy but I decided to resume my tasks for the store and to accomplish other errands that I had set out to do. Around 5:15, mom and I left to go to church. Then we had dinner in Metroclub with ma, Kaye, Cha, and Vince.

Then finally, we got home. I watched TV, took a bath, fixed my things, and now I'm blogging.

Basically, that was what I did the entire day...here are the highlights for me.

***

I remember hearing the rain around 11:oo pm, July 21st, I was falling asleep then and I remember smiling and asking God if that was his early birthday gift for me (it almost always rains on my birthday)

I remember getting startled when Cha went near my bed around 12 midnight. I think she was telling me that my phone was ringing, it was actually my phone alarming for my birthday. She greeted me happy birthday. I checked my phone if I had any messages, I didn't...and I went back to sleep.

I checked my phone early morning for messages, I think I woke up because Kaye was leaving for school. I think it had 2 messages: Mom and Hans. I went back to sleep.

I checked my phone again when it alarmed. It had messages: Aileen. I went back to sleep again.

I kept checking my phone every now and then (waiting for a text message from someone, hehe)...it finally came.

I received more messages during the day.

When I checked my e-mail while doing the store's accounts, I saw I had several greetings on Facebook so I logged on and replied to them. I ended up chatting with a few friends while working on the accounts until I had to go for lunch.

Saw Anne Curtis and Derek Ramsay...that was cool.

We were served two crepes for lunch because it was bitter. They didn't charge us for it anymore and they gave us a discount (I think because of my birthday).

Made a lot of phonecalls (Landbank, EastWest, Skycable) to inquire about several things.

Had a pretty good day with mom.

Received a phonecall from dad.

Drove to church as requested by mom.

Had a good time in church.

Received a gift from Cha.

Had 2 pineapple shakes for dinner.

Ms. Bart greeted me through YM and Friendster.

Had a weird but interesting dream...maybe that was the reason why I couldn't get out of bed.

Ate Luz confirmed she was not coming back.

Missed the solar eclipse because I did not get out of bed as planned.

***

Overall, I had a pretty good day. I had a nice time with my mom and grandma. I appreciated all the greetings I received through texts and Facebook. It was nice having all those people greet me.

I like the number 21...it looks pretty cool.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have given me. Despite the not so good things happening right now, indeed I feel blessed. You know that...I told you a while ago. ;p

Thanks. I offer everything to you. (I liked that the offertory song was "Lord I Offer My Life").

Happy birthday me..haha..

Thanks.

Wish List (Because Liz nudged me to post it already)

Original DVDs of the movies/shows I like

Original CDs
(Daughtry, Matchbox 20 Greatest Hits...can't think of anything else right now. haven't visited the CD store in quite some time)

Compilation of Disney songs
(This is hard to find here in the Philippines so I guess a burned copy will do

Books
(Any good history book; the book written by Herodotus; Enemies and Allies by Kevin J. Anderson; Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho; Any interesting John Grisham books; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with special illustrations, hardbound; For One More Day by Mitch Albom)

Superman comic books/graphic novels
(The Death of Clark Kent; Anything with Lana Lang; Battles with Lex Luthor)

AdMU shirts

NBA cards
(Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker, Mike Bibby, Chris Webber, Chris Paul, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Steve Nash, Derrick Rose, Dwight Howard)

Spurs/Silver Stars jerseys/shirts (Duncan, Ginobili, Parker, Becky Hammon)

Nintendo DS..haha..

Green Cross Isopropyl Alcohol with Moisturizer (40% or 70% solution)


That's all I can think of right now..

Most of the things I want are a bit costly, except for the alcohol...but the alcohol would make me really happy since I use it a lot. You guys see the little bottle I bring around right? I refill that every now and then..I don't mind at all if everyone gave me alcohol, as long as it's the right brand. :p

The Teammate Game: Becky and VJ

Was checking the Silver Stars website and I came across this video. Real cute. I love Becky Hammon! I hope the Stars win the championship this year for VJ. Let's go Stars!

I dunno if the video will play...here's the link anyway:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k051Xj76zVQ

Almost...

Just listened to the Stars-Mystics live audio broadcast on WNBA Live Access...The Stars made a great run in the fourth. Becky made two awesome three's and scored 11 in the fourth. She tied the game with a three but Beard made a jumpshot to put the Mystics up again by two. It came down to the last 1.9 seconds of the game, Belinda Snell missed a three-point attempt that would've won the game. I didn't see the shot since only the audio was available but the announcer said the shot nearly went in.

Well, it's always a heartache when my team loses. But it was a good run. They came back from twelve down. I'm sure the Stars will get back on track...they're under the .500 mark again (3-4). Freethrow shooting has to improve.

I still love my Stars and I'll catch their next game on July 3 (July 4 here in Manila, Saturday).

Caught My Attention

I was just browsing the net and I came across this picture. I wasn't sure if it was real...apparently it is, Margo Dydek is 7'2" and my favorite player, Becky Hammon, is 5'6"...

I just thought this picture was pretty cool...it caught my attention...and it shows how awesome Becky is, boxing out an enormous player...

Just Testing

Just testing if I did the whole twitterfeed thing correctly...

I'm off to watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in a bit. My morning was not as productive as I had hoped in terms of accomplishing my tasks for our mini-store...kinda got hooked online...hehe...

Silver Stars won! Becky scored 26 points...GO STARS! I had to go online to watch the game because Btv didn't broadcast the game. I actually just got to listen to the game because that was the only thing I could do in Live Access (I'm still thankful for Live Access...it's the best!)...Hope I'll get to catch the game against the Mystics on the 3oth (July 1st here in Manila)..

Well, that's about it for now...think I'll leave for Shang already.

The King of Pop

I wasn't online the entire day yesterday so I wasn't able to pay respects to the King of Pop via the internet. But the news of his death was one of the first things I encountered yesterday.

While preparing for my doctor's appointment, I turned the TV on to CNN and saw that he suffered cardiac arrest. I postponed taking a shower for a few minutes and just watched. The TV partially woke my sister up and when she saw the news, she didn't go back to sleep anymore. While taking a shower, I prayed that Michael Jackson would be okay. I was still watching while I was dressing up and that's when I saw that the LA Times and CBS news reported MJ's death, but CNN had not confirmed it yet. I hoped that the LA Times and CBS were wrong. I had to leave before CNN was able to confirm the sad news and it wasn't until I got back home that I actually believed that he was gone.

I'm not a huge Michael Jackson fan, I wasn't born yet when Thriller was released. But growing up, I knew Michael was an icon. I remember my first ever favorite song as a child was Heal the World. If I remember correctly, it was the first song I ever memorized on purpose and I remember the times I'd get all excited when it would play on the radio. I remember calling my mom's attention when the song would play and we would sing the chorus together.

I grew up liking other Michael Jackson songs and I remember becoming fond of his Thriller video because it was so long, I felt like I was watching a movie. When he released You Rock My World in 2001, I remember fuzzing about it a bit because for me it was the first Michael Jackson song that was released in my generation (I was thirteen years old).

Somehow I wish I could've known his music more. I know I can start anytime, but it's just different now that he's gone. May his soul rest in peace. I know he will never be forgotten. May God bless his family.

Damn it.....

I am so damn frustrated right now. I'm so damn tired and I am so damn stressed. I feel like I have to do everything and hell, I am doing everything. That is so freakin' stressful! I am pissed right now. I know I should try and understand, I was like that once......but still, it's just so tiring and I just have to let this out. If only I could scream right now, heck, I will. I want to punch the wall.........I am just so stressed right now!

Cellphone Notes

Some notes I wrote on my phone (reminders, things to do, random thoughts/questions that popped into my head). I'll be deleting them so I wanted to archive them here. Most will only make sense to me, some might not even make sense to me anymore...hehe...

The dates and times may be misleading because I kept moving these notes in my calendar. Some a.m.'s might actually be p.m.'s because my phone does this weird reverse thing when you set the alarm for the note (I mean, I doubt I wrote some of these in the morning).

January 6, 2008

11:00 am
Write about He didn't let me be alone with j 'cause maybe I couldn't do it yet and about fat and eat.

5:00 pm
Note that after reading the bible with Cha, felt real good, calm, happy. Worked well after.

7:30 pm
Nice answer about what should do: allow God. Nice talk in adoration with kid again.

10:26 am
Write Psalm 46 - God is almighty, mighty and powerful, with Him here there is nothing to fear, we're safe.

12:00 pm
Write blog about being thankful with avoid Glorietta. Thankful day. Pray for all involved and affected.

3:15 pm
Do something then don't know why anymore. Ask all Philo questions. Heidegger. Ordinary questions.

11:00 pm
God answers fast. Psalm 54/55-56 and I feel better now. Thanks Lord.

5:00 pm
How do you philosophize? Feel like I need guidance. How do you know you are going the right way.

9:00 pm
Reflection habit has to be formed. Convenient that even in own, just reflect, but eventually forget.

10:45 am
Luke 4 - temptation, power, humility, might, determined/will.

April 24, 2008

5:07 pm
I realized today in the chapel that God wants me to have faith. Faith is not the reading, praying.

May 28, 2008

12:03 pm
Special moment with God. Way home in taxi...thought of what if died, feel ugly but no more when talked with Him.

July 12, 2008

1:31 am
Is there a specific reason why I feel down? Cried today. Don't know why. Just feel down, heavy, lonely.

7:49 am
How do improve self-worth, separate it from good grades.

1:34 am
Is better to think about what is making me feel down although that's difficult to pinpoint or just entertain myself?

1:35 am
Life seems pointless. No direction.

1:42 am
Sometimes I feel shallow because I turn to material and artificial things to cheer me up.

7:41 am
I feel down because I don't have a life, like I don't have a center to which I can give myself to.

August 31, 2008

1:00 pm
When we pray, do we have to distinguish who we are talking to?

3:34 pm
God never wants us to suffer right? And He is forgiving and kind? Gentle, not dictatorial.

3:40 pm
Being truly sorry doesn't necessitate making yourself feel bad right? Like you have to feel so heavy.

December 19, 2008

3:00 pm
Check Aegis. Was panicking because was late and had stuff to do. Prayed not late then better - free cut.

February 10, 2009

1:34 am
Immediate answer when "surrendered"? Feel good today.

***

Going through these as I was typing them was pretty fun. It brought back some memories. I remember most of these notes. Re-reading some of them made me laugh. I was able to answer one question while I was typing it...made me feel kinda stupid asking that question in the first place but I guess I understand my own confusion...hehe...

Just Bummed

I was thinking of blogging the other day but I got pretty lazy. There have been a lot of things on my mind lately...but I'm just not in the mood to talk about them here. This'll just be a quick one.

Basically, I'm just bummed that my team, the Silver Stars, lost their opening game. I kinda forgot about the WNBA season opening today but then when I flipped to Btv, I saw the Chicago Sky-Minnesota Lynx game. I thought Btv would only show one game so I decided to look for the Silver Stars game online. I found it but I had to install the Windows Media Player 11 plug-in first so I did. I still had the TV on and it turned out that Btv was showing the Silver Stars game.

I watched the game. It was going pretty well...Silver Stars led for most of the game (which makes the loss all the more painful)...but then Phoenix eventually caught up and opened up a 9 point lead in the closing minutes of the 4th quarter.

I'm just real bummed...I hate it when my team loses. But I'm sure my team will bounce back...Next game will be on the 13th (14 here in Manila). It's the Silver Stars home opener. They'll unveil their Western Conference Champion banner. I want to see that and I want to see them kick butt.

Just to say it, Becky Hammon is my favorite WNBA player...she's my MVP.

Just a Thought

I read Sir Soh's reply to my personal message today and it made me feel nice. =)

Thanks Lord.

Nice Day

I woke feeling good yesterday. That's been two days in a row of good sleep. I woke up when my phone rang. Upon hearing the tone, I knew it was Hans calling me. He asked if he could drop by. I said yes without hesitating, I told him I hadn't taken a bath yet though and asked if that was okay. He said yeah.

I turned the TV on to guess what?...BTV...Hawks-Heat game and coming up was Lakers-Jazz. Hans called back, asked if I wanted to drop by Aileen's house. I felt excited, said yes right away and told him I would take a shower already.

After about thirty minutes, Hans came and we walked to his house. He told me I was the first friend that would be able to really enter his house...felt nice...we had breakfast, hotdog, pandesal, water. Talked while eating...I saw a picture of him in Hong Kong, I thought it was taken while he was still in grade school. Surprisingly, it was from college freshman year...I can't believe he looked that young then. I was fascinated. Another thing that fascinated me was their digibox...I asked him what additional channels they had, he said he didn't know because he rarely watched television...I was of course curious because we had a digibox too...for BTV...hehehe...

We took a cab to go to Ai's house. Arrived there after a while. We ate again. Aileen cooked chicken a la king. Hans and I were talking about that on our way. Found it special that Aileen cooked. We talked. We had not seen each other for quite some time. There were moments wherein I would just be quiet...like I usually am...I was just relishing the moment, the time with friends. It felt good being with them. I still had my problems in mind, but somehow I felt safe.

We went guitar case hunting then we went to Robee Stickers. After that, Hans and I took the LRT then MRT home. We talked on the way home...had a bit of a conversation about friendship and putting yourself out there...investing yourself in another person. We separated in Shang. I walked home and I was able to somehow talk to myself. It was a pretty healthy conversation with myself.

I couldn't get my mind off the topic of friendship and emotional investment though. Cha and I had a conversation about it and I realized certain things about myself. It felt good realizing those things.

I'd say I had a pretty healthy day in terms of realizations. I guess it took a lot out of me though, I fell asleep without watching NBA Live, preparing my medicine, writing in my planner, or blogging...I left my laptop on.

Memorable moments:

Sitting in the car with Ai and Hans. I felt tired and sleepy. I was just listening to them talk. That's when I felt safe.

Hans and I asked Aileen why she's not showy. It was a pretty cute and funny moment. "You never say you miss us...you never say you care...hehe..."

Talk with Cha. When I realized several things.

Realizations

Like I said, I realized several things yesterday.

First on my way home, it wasn't really a realization but more of a conversation with myself. One of the things that Sir Ron shared with me during our talks was imagining talking to yourself. I forgot what he called the method. I imagined talking to the kid inside of me, the young Zy. I apologized for the times I've been harsh on myself, for letting myself down, pushing myself too hard, not giving myself the chance to pursue what I really loved. I feel like I've lost a part of me as I grew up and I've only been able to reconnect with that part during the retreat. I asked myself what do I really want...because I know the answer is somewhere inside of me. I think I buried it somewhere and I would need to help myself uncover it. It might sound a bit insane but it felt good talking to myself...to the young Zy...and I'm trying to become friends with myself.

For the past few days, I've noticed that I've been rather sensitive...I've been more open about what I feel to other people. In a way, I felt that I've been putting myself out there. It's a bit weird and scary because it makes you feel a bit vulnerable...divulging your feelings to other people, risk being turned down or laughed at. I'm not sure what's been up with me but I just noticed that I've been like that.

My conversation with Cha started with a question about Aileen. The same question I asked Hans...why is she not that showy...I guess the question came out because I've felt like I've been a bit showy the past few days. One of the things Hans said was that maybe she is not that attached. And so another conversation came into mind, one with Isabela, about friendship, attachment, and emotional investment in other people. Hans and I talked about that on the way home and I guess I couldn't put the topic to rest and so I continued talking about it with Cha.

In the end, I realized that I am looking for exclusivity. Isabela told me a couple of days ago that perhaps I was looking for a commitment. I told Cha I just feel like I have so much to give and to offer inside of me but I can't share it with someone. I told Cha that sometimes I feel sad and lonely because I feel like I always value other people more than I am valued. I realized that I was trying to look for exclusivity in my friendships...but it friendships don't work like that. Each friend has a different kind of relationship with another friend. It made sense to me why I would feel jealous of my friends' friends sometimes. I'm looking for someone to give me a hundred percent of their attention. I mean someone that you could just share everything with...I am able to do that with my friends...but I'm looking for exclusivity.

The other day, when I had a bad day...this was probably the reason I got upset. Suddenly, I realized that I didn't have that and as what Isabela said, I guess I freaked out because I was confronted with my greatest fear...being alone...Cha said, she doesn't have that same fear. And so I wondered, weren't we looking for the same thing? Then I realized that maybe it mattered more to me because of the way I grew up. I never had a complete and happy family...and maybe that's why I have such a big need for a certain kind of companionship. I've thought about this before but it made much more sense last night. A part of me is the way it is because I didn't grow up with a father. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

It's just somewhat liberating realizing some of these things. Somehow, I make much more sense to myself. But what to do with these realizations, I'm not too sure yet. But it was nice.

Fantastic End!

I just finished watching the replay of the Bulls-Celtics (Game 4)...man, it was one of the best games I've watched in a while. I haven't felt my heart race like that for quite some time. If my mom wasn't sleeping, I probably would've been yelling. But since it's late at night, I was constrained to silent movements in my bed. Double overtime man, 121-118. Fantastic. Go Bulls Go! Terrific end to a good day. Thanks Lord. =p

Will be looking forward to watching this as one of the NBA's Greatest Games.

** Just watched the NBA Live highlights...it does no justice...you have to watch the game for yourself. **

Smallville Season 9

I was surfing the net...decided to check for news about Smallville. Not too sure how I feel about a ninth season. I miss Kristin Kreuk on the show. Big Clana fan here...we'll see...I still have a few more episodes of season eight to catch.

The show has had a new feel and it's been a bit interesting. I miss the old Smallville magic though. And no matter what, it's Clark and Lana for me. =p

Haha

"I'm feeling so good. I knew that I would. Been taking care of myself like I should. And not one thing can bring me down. Nothing in this world's gonna turn me around."

Hehe, just feeling good. Just finished writing my letter to Brian (sort of...I just have a few details to put in)...Isabela's on her way to L.A. Just kinda hyper here...haha...I do feel good. I like this day. It was a good day.

Thanks Lord. =)

From Bad to Good

I had a bad day yesterday. I just had a real down day and my eyes really hurt before I went to sleep. The good thing was I was able to settle things before sleeping and I actually had a pretty good sleep.

I just wanted to share that I woke up at 4 a.m. to watch the live telecast of the Spurs-Mavs game (Yeah, I love my Spurs that much...=p) I also had to drink my medicine anyway. The first half was good and I was pretty pleased. I got sleepy during halftime and so I was fighting to stay awake during the third quarter. I just got pretty upset that the Spurs lost. I felt bad of course. I woke up early just to watch them lose. I was able to go back to sleep after the game though, but I didn't feel very good the rest of the day. And as I said, I had a pretty bad day.

I feel good right now though. I had a pretty nice day today. I felt good when I woke up...it felt too good to be in bed, it took me more than an hour to get up after my alarm...I kept bargaining with myself...hehe...I even watched a few minutes of the Bulls-Celtics game before finally getting out of bed (I was contemplating on waking up at 1 a.m. to watch the live telecast but I didn't want to be all sleepy the whole day, especially given the fact that I had a 10 a.m. appointment with Mr.Soh). So I got out of bed around 9 a.m. and I wasn't late for my appointment, I was early actually...hehe...

Memorable things that happened today:

1. I talked to Sir Soh. It was real nice talking to him. I didn't plan on doing so but I was able to share something with him. He told me some great things. I just had a real nice talk with him.
He taught me the Consciousness Examen.

Some memorable lines:
"You wouldn't feel sorry for something that wasn't important to you" - I never realized this.
"Don't be afraid to forget."
"Don't be too hard on yourself."
"Don't take yourself too seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself sometimes."

2. I was able to catch Sir Strebel. Took a picture with him (twice) in front of the blue blob (I liked the blue blob). I talked to him for a while. I was finally able to ask him that question I've been wanting to ask him.

Memorable line:
"Why not?...it was honest, sincere...it wasn't off the point."

3. Talked to Sir Raffy Dy-Liacco. I was able to tell him about the dilemma I had a few weeks ago.

Some memorable lines:
"We have to respect freedom. It is a good."
"Apply what you learn."

4. Ran into Sir Tirol at the caf. It's always fun running into Sir Tirol. I miss his fun lectures.

Memorable line:
"What are you still doing here?...so you pretend to be a student, dress like a student...but you're unemployed." - hehe...if it was anyone else who said this to me, I probably would have felt bad...hehe...

5. Enjoyed my turon, banana-cue, and my walk to CEFAM.

6. Had a good prayer period in the chapel. Was able to do the Consciousness Examen, do my bible reading and just had a nice alone time. Felt peaceful, safe. Took pictures around the campus while waiting for my ride home. Just felt nice being back in school. Nice memories. Ateneo is a place where I can always go to find myself. It's a sanctuary for me. It felt good being in the campus. A part of me is ready to move on and begin a new chapter of my life, but it is always nice to come home to the Ateneo. It is a good place to think, recharge, and just be alone.

7. Carried the good feeling all the way home.

Just wanted to chronicle my day.

Oh...I was able to read this interesting piece about the Last Supper outside the College Chapel. It intrigued me, I went to the CMO to ask if it was true and I found out it was a legend. I also ran into Candice. I found out she was taking some English units for law school. It was pretty nice running into a familiar face.

Self-Talk

I believe in myself. I can accomplish great things. I have accomplished great things. I just realized this after I talked to my mom. Maybe it's time for me to step up. Put my skills to use. I can do anything I set my mind to. And maybe that's what I need to do. I know I can't do it alone though. I'm a great person and I know I've got other great people around me who can help me. Somehow I feel like I've got something to prove, to myself and to other people. I don't know if that's a good thing. But whatever I decide to do, I want to do it for the right reasons.

Anyone can learn anything. Anyone can master anything. I'm not stupid. Maybe this is the push I need. I can do it. I will accomplish great things and I will do it for the right reasons. I don't want to be filled with anger or hatred. I want to do what I do out of passion, love, and purpose.

I think it is time to believe in myself. I'm excited to learn. Yet at the same time, it is scary because I feel like I'm taking on a big responsibility. But maybe it's time. I'm old enough.

Be with me.

AMDG.

Bad NBA Day

I was kinda bummed that I was gonna miss the Spurs game because of my interview. One of the first things I did when I woke up this morning was open the TV and tune in to BTV. I saw the pregame show and I was able to watch a part of the first quarter.

When I got home after my interview, I immediately went upstairs and checked if the game was still on. It was wishful thinking of course. I knew I wasn't gonna be able to watch the first few quarters of the replay because I would be watching I Love Betty La Fea's finale. After Betty, I switched to BTV and saw the third quarter score, 38-70 Dallas. Damn, I was pissed.

When I woke up, I had a feeling the Spurs weren't gonna win but I didn't know it was gonna be that bad. I tried watching the game, but after a while I decided to change the channel. When I checked my mail, I saw the rest of today's results. Bulls lost too. The only surprise for me was the Jazz's victory. I was able to catch that game on Star Sports when I got home, but I lost interest when the Lakers started getting momentum in the third or fourth. I figured they would end up winning so I didn't bother watching anymore. Turns out, it was the only close game today. Both of my teams got blown out. Sucks. Bad NBA day for me. I know my teams will bounce back though.

I Love Betty La Fea

I just finished watching the Bettyful Finale. I didn't get to watch the show as religiously as I watched Maging Sino Ka Man. I only started tuning in every night around the time Betty and Armando got back together. It was different from what they usually do and maybe that's why I wasn't hooked right away, plus I got busy with school. But the show was entertaining. It was a light and feel-good show. I like how it promotes family and morals. I'm a big John Lloyd-Bea fan, they look so good together...at least the shows they do don't break my heart like Clark and Lana do. I just wish they end up together in real life, hehe... =p (why don't I ever get my happy ending?)

It's funny...I only understood the lyrics to the show's theme song right at the very end. I only put it together after Cha pointed out that she didn't get the words before. She thought it was "ang aming palabas ay hanggang dyan na lang..." I thought it was "ang magandang palabas ay hanggang dyan na lang..." It never made sense to me, I always asked myself why the song would say that. Then it hit me that the words were "ang gandang panlabas ay hanggang dyan na lang" ...hehe, it's ironic, I only got it when the show was finally done. At least I got it...hehe...

Well, I'll be looking forward to the DVD's. I hope they release them. I have all of Maging Sino Ka Man (Book I). I haven't finished watching it though, I think I'm in volume 3. I don't know if they're still going to release Book II. It's been quite a while since the first one was released. I hope they do though, I want to complete my collection.

Will be looking forward to more John Lloyd-Bea movies, shows, and commercials (I enjoy the Greenwich commercials...hehe...)...at least, even in a fantasy world, I somehow get my happy ending and I get enough love to keep me going.

Writing

I was offered a writing job today. The job would require me to write Allied Bank's newsletter. Bottom line is the job would be all about writing.

I just realized today that I love writing and I've missed writing...that's why I'm blogging right now. But I like writing for myself, for leisure. I don't think I want the job, but I have a few weeks to think about it, then I'll call the HR department in case I'm not interested. It appears to be a pretty challenging job. I like challenges...but maybe not this one. I want to pursue something I am passionate about. I don't think I'm passionate about that kind of writing...I'm really not sure. I will think about it.

But it has been nice writing today. I've posted three blogs today, including this one...hehe...

The Fast and the Furious 4

I've got lots of other things I want to blog about, but I'm not in the mood for them right now. This is just a quick one. I watched The Fast and the Furious yesterday with Cha. It was a good movie. It made me want to re-watch all the other films (I haven't seen the second one though. I wasn't too interested in it because Vin Diesel wasn't there. Tokyo Drift was cool though). Well anyway, even though I liked the film a lot, I somehow felt sad after the movie. I knew I was because Vin Diesel's love interest, Letty, died in the early part of the film (according to Cha, it is the reason for the film's story)...but I wasn't completely sure why I was really sad. It bothered me for a while. Then a while ago, I realized the reason why I was sad. I think I felt real sad because the film was somehow about a tragic love story..at least that's one way of looking at it. Letty died because she made a deal with the FBI to clear Dom's criminal record. She did it because she wanted Dom to come home. That was a very sweet thing to do and it showed how much she missed him. The sad part is, she died because of it. The other part that touched me was that you can tell that Dom really loved Letty. She was the love of his life. He didn't look at any other woman besides her. He left because he wanted to protect her. He risked being captured by the FBI and dying just to avenge her death (this part I don't really agree with...taking revenge and all). The point is I got sad because theirs was somewhat a tragic love story. They both loved each other very much. On the one hand, that is a happy thing...loving someone that much, it's pretty rare I think. Theirs seemed like the love that would go on forever, even after death. The sad part is they're not together anymore...and what hurts more than not being with the one you love.

I didn't push myself to realize this, but it just hit me. I think this is also what draws me to Clark and Lana...great loves that don't quite end happily...at least not in the way I imagined or hoped. Perhaps I am drawn to these things because I somewhat feel that way. I'm hoping it won't be, but it feels like my story.

Pre-Graduation...Hehehe...

Is there such a thing such as graduation jitters? I feel pretty weird right now...like my head is spinning or something...hehehe...I'm in a surprisingly cheerful mood. I had a pretty good day. Kinda interesting considering I experienced a range of emotions.

I had a hard time getting out of bed. I slept around 3 a.m. I planned on staying up much later to wait for my phone to finish charging but I fell asleep. Blue Roast was pretty interesting for me...will talk about that next time...maybe...Anyway, I had a pretty bad dream. It was about a war and a bunch of dead people from the war. I was walking through a mall that was filled with war casualties, it was pretty gross and scary. Then when I finally had the strength to get out of bed, I turned on the TV (as usual) and put it on Basketball...it's a habit and kind of like a reflex for me...hehe...saw the last few minutes of the Celtics-Magic game. When another time-out was called I decided to start taking a bath and I occasionally checked the game out until it was finished (Celtics lost...I was happy...hehe)

Mom decided to bring me to school, she said she had nothing to do so she tagged along on my way to school. I decided to go to the Jesuit Residence to check if Fr. Arcilla was there. I waited for him since the lady at the front desk said he would be back in a while. I asked him to sign my book and I took a picture with him. On my way out, I suddenly felt discontent and decided to ask for a dedication from him so I went back and asked him to write a dedication and I took another picture with him.

Some memorable lines from Fr. Arcilla:
This is ancient/like a relic. What are you gonna do with that? Are you gonna put it in a museum?....Wonderful...Congratulations!

He told me he probably wasn't gonna be in the graduation ceremony tomorrow. He was real nice. I thought it was nice of him to come out again just to write a dedication. He was eating lunch...hehe...

After a while, Irrisse arrived and we went on our way to St. Stephen's for Ai's surprise grad party. Irrisse and I had a great conversation about the silent retreat and some other things. It's always great talking with Irrisse. We can relate to each other in many ways, we're similar in a lot of ways and I find that nice.

A memorable line from Irrisse:
Don't worry Zy, hindi ka kakainin ng mga Chinese.

Then it was Ai's surprise party. I met her care group. It was nice seeing Ai with them. It was like seeing a different side of Ai which was nice. We ate a lot of carbonara and chocolate cake. I was proud of my friend for having accomplished so many things, for being a great leader to other people. I felt blessed to be her friend. After some picture taking, haircutting, and watching YouTube videos, Ai and her care group had to practice and Irrisse brought me to Recto Station. We had another fun conversation on the way then we hugged and said bye to each other. I felt happy and somewhat sad because I was gonna miss seeing Irrisse randomly and having casual conversations with her. I always liked running into her in school.

I texted her and bought a gift for her and for my thyroid doctor in Gateway. I didn't feel like going home right away so I dropped by Sleepcare and Humor Post in Shang. I really didn't feel like going home and was feeling pretty sad...had a heartache, haha...so I decided to go to church and also have my quiet time there. I cried. It started with one frustration and then led to another. After that, I continued walking home. When I reached the village, I decided to walk slow...I couldn't walk slow while I was outside, was bothered by all the cars and other people. I remembered the times I would walk around the vicinity of Holy Spirit Mission Service Center in Tagaytay. It felt nice. Then I felt the urge to just continue walking around, but I wanted to put my bag down first so I went home and put my bag inside the room. No one was home and so I really decided to stroll around the village. I felt like taking pictures, something I wasn't able to do during the retreat because I didn't bring a camera so I went around the village taking pictures of plants, the clouds, and some people. I ate cereal afterwards and I took some picture of Gio while I was at the garden. After that, I took a bath, fixed my things and did some "errands", preparing for grad and all.

It was real nice walking around the village and taking pictures, I enjoyed myself...something I don't normally do...it helped make me feel better. The alone time was nice too.

Other highlights: Hans texted on my way home, it was nice having a text conversation with him although both of us were feeling pretty down. Talked to Isabela on the phone...talked about a lot of things. It's always nice talking to her. Mom and I said "love you" over the phone, which I think is a first. I was actually surprised at how easy the words came out of my mouth, I usually feel awkward saying it to her, I just usually tell her through text. Kaye just congratulated me through plurk...somehow it made me feel good, proud...even though I won't be graduating with honors...which still stings by the way.

Generally I had a nice day. I had a good and honest conversation with God during my quiet time. I talked with friends and I was able to let go, relax, and express myself walking around and taking pictures.

Something funny:
Iso sent me an invitation but when I checked my mail it wasn't there yet...turns out she sent it to zy_puppy722...hehe...I was pretty sleepy already...made me laugh... =p

Something memorable:
When someone asked what magis was, Irrisse and Aileen pointed me out. Irrisse said I was magis personified. It was nice hearing something like that. I always love compliments, don't get enough of them, especially from myself. It was just nice. Made me feel good.

Another thing that cheered me up:
Spurs won...Manu's back, Tim wasn't there though...it was Tony's night, scored 42 points.

I should be going to bed now. I have to get up early for the Baccalaureate Mass. I've been waking up early these past few days.

I'll try to get some sleep now...wouldn't want to be all sleepy and disoriented tomorrow...hehe...

Cheers. AMDG.

...

Just felt like blogging to ease the discomfort. I was going through the graduation handout given by the ADAA. I saw the graduation layout...I saw the seats for the parents of honor students. It stung again. All my life, I've wanted my mom to sit in one of those chairs, the chairs reserved for the honors' parents. I never got it. I've wanted to know how it felt like. I've gotten awards but never the special kind...at least not in my standards. It's upsetting, frustrating, and disappointing. It's one of the things I'll be writing in my list of frustrations.

Don't Know What to Call this One

Just got home from ADMU. Picked up my toga, grad invitations, honors card, talked with Sir Raffy, met with Legendairy groupmates to settle accounts and return their things. I planned on staying longer in school but Cha said she needed something so I decided to go home earlier.

I don't feel so well. I think it's the heat, I walked to the Jesuit Residence to talk to Fr. Arcilla and it was bloody hot. I got a headache and so I decided to stay at the lib until I was picked up. I read the fresh issue of The Guidon to pass the time (that was after my headache sort of subsided).

Now I still got a bunch of stuff to do...here I am again with my urge to get check things off my to-do-list...trying to control it though, won't force myself to move around if I'm not up to it...my head hurts again...

I wanted to blog last night but I was too tired...I just wanted to say that I got more depressed watching Watchmen than The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Watchmen gave me some stuff to think about, but the way it ended was pretty depressing for me...do things really work like that? Is the world/society really like that? It's pretty sad.

Well, off I go to check my mail and do other things...will blog again if I feel like it.

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas

I just got home from watching The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Cha didn't like the movie, she found it too depressing. I, on the other hand, liked the movie. Yes it was sad, but it was a good tribute to the Jews who passed away and were discriminated against during the Holocaust. I'm just a little disappointed that I didn't get to stay inside the moviehouse to finish the credits. I was enjoying the music and I wanted to sit their for awhile to give respects to those who passed away during the Second World War. To make up for that, here I am blogging.

I'm contemplating if I wanna see the film again and finish the credits this time. It was a good film. I never felt the evils of the Holocaust until I watched the film. Sure, I've read and learned about it, how the Jews were discriminated against, treated badly, and killed, but I never felt it. I just want to pay my respects to all of the victims of the Second World War. This blog entry is for them.

Better

I just felt like I had to blog again to continue what I was saying a while ago...just to give an update basically...

I am better now. For the first time since the retreat I prayed with Scripture again. I used the Ignatian Contemplation in my prayer period before the mass. I'm not gonna detail what happened during my prayer period, that's for me and my journal...hehe...but basically, it went well. I felt a whole lot better after praying. God told me to "Come and see", I reflected on John 1:35-39...I was also able to realize something, I hate not being in control and not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent and I hate feeling that way...it's something I could reflect on in the future or in the coming days (though I doubt it, I don't think I'll be able to thoroughly reflect on that in the coming days...I'll probably reflect on other things first. Then, He showed me something in the end, something I've been longing for or wishing for. What I saw did not completely take away the pain and the sadness that I feel but it gave me hope and something to smile about. Then I just talked to Him and He told me a few other things. So, thanks Lord.

So after that, I've been in a pretty good mood. Had a pretty nice chat with Ducky, a nice dinner in Savory Chicken Greenhills with mom, ma, and Ducky. Then went home. Bothered Cha, hehe...took a bath, fixed my things (I got all O.C. and I usually fix things when I'm anxious or feel like I need to undisorient my brain), updated my backup files, now I'm currently uploading pictures from my phone...I am actually getting some stuff checked off my to-do-list, it makes me feel good, but now I've got other things to feel good about like my prayer period.

Basically, the urge to continually do something is still there. I admit I'm not totally fine yet, but I am doing better. I'll manage, I just have to control myself...hehe....that's not easy... =p

** Blogging is part of my to-do-list, I mean I have some stuff I haven't blogged about...stuff that I just want to remember so I wanna blog about 'em...dunno when I'll get to do that, but I will...someday...hehe...hoping to try and enjoy doing the things I have to do....(there I go again with my "haves"....I should practice "coulds")...hoping to try and enjoy doing the things I COULD do. No pressure (at least try)...**

**I just remebered, I'm bummed out that the Spurs lost to the Celtics...arg...darn those Celtics...**

Lost

I was on my way downstairs when thoughts just entered into head and I decided that maybe I should blog. I don't know if I really wanted to blog or if I psyched myself into blogging. I just had to do something. It's so hot and I've got a lot on my mind. I don't think I would have survived the silence, sitting alone on the couch, doing nothing.

That's been one of problems lately. I have this urge to always do something. I O.C. in me makes me feel like there is a lot to do, like I have so much unfinished business...it never ends...and it's tiring to be honest. The only time I ever felt free was during my retreat. I haven't even blogged about that yet and it's one of the things in my virtual to-do-list. I just have this to-do-list in the back of my head. Now that I think about it, I wanna scrap the list. I feel tired.

I don't know if it's because I went to the hospital today, but I just feel pretty messed up right now. A bit irritated. I don't know what I want to do. Things just feel real messed up right now. I haven't felt this way in a while. I want a break. But I won't even give myself that.

I was encoding the notes I made on my phone a while ago, notes from my session with Sir Ron last Friday and from my session last March 10 with Brother Martin, my spiritual companion. It felt good accomplishing those. I think the feeling stems from the fact that I can scratch them off my to-do-list. I don't know what's with me. I only felt good for a few moments. I felt good that I accomplished something but then the whole, you have a lot of other things that you need to do feeling or thought interrupted everything. Then I felt bad again. Why do I never let myself feel good or enjoy something? I hate it.

One of the things I realized during the retreat was that I like accomplishing things because they make me feel good, I mean, I always look for something to do because when I don't do anything, I feel worthless and useless...like I am nothing if I don't accomplish anything. Harsh...and I think that's why I have this compulsion to be doing something today. It's messed up. It's like I feel that my life will get fixed if I do all of these things. I am tired. I really do want to get rid of this list in the back of my mind. But I don't know how.

I remember what I felt during the retreat. I felt free. The last time I felt that way was during one of my practice games in basketball, 2nd year P.E. I was on the court and I just felt free. I remember having a Calculus exam that day, but I did not worry about it. I did not worry about anything while I was on the court. I wish I can feel that way again. I feel like I am a captive of my own self. And it is very tiring. I want to quit.

Gotta go for now....Have to hear mass...Hopefully I'll be better off after.

Just Felt Like I Had to Blog...for old time's sake...

Will be going to Tagaytay tomorrow for my retreat, will be gone for three days. Just wanted to blog before I left. I haven't blogged in a while. A mixture of feelings. Not exactly in the mood to elaborate...but right now, I'm not feeling very well...disappointed. Will get back to this when I am ready.

Happy. Talked to Isabela. Talking to her usually cheers me up, don't know why. She's one of the few people who lighten things up for me. I felt happy just knowing she was in a good state. I think it's the first time I felt genuinely happy for someone, without even thinking of my own state.

Talked to Cha. Felt kinda better. Cried and just kinda poured feelings out.

Just feeling a mixture of things, I shift from feeling good to feeling bad. I feel ready to deal with it though...just trying to let my feelings take their course.

Lots of things happened and are happening. Kinda have a lot on my plate. But I feel ready to take them on. Like what Isabela said, things will work out in the end...can't wait for that, but for now I'll just let things be. Try to enjoy what I can. Live and feel a range of emotions. It's part of being human after all.

Feeling Good

Been feeling bad lately...terrible is more like it...don't know why, just been real tired and stressed. But I felt good a while ago. I felt kinda free...free from having to get high grades, because a part of me truly felt that grades don't measure my capabilities. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed learning again and forgot about grades. It just felt nice.

Back to work now. Two more thesis statements to go.... =p

Clark and Lana

I just watched Smallville. The episode just put me on a rush (ask Cha, I couldn't stop talking). I'm full of energy right now but I'm gonna sleep in a while. I just wanted to note how good the episode made me feel. It put me on a high. I loved the ending. Clark and Lana on the rooftop of the Daily Planet, beautiful scene.

Line of the night: There's never been anything normal between us.

Gonna try to get some sleep now. Still on a high. =)

Thanks Lord.

P.S.
My first entry for February, about love, Clark and Lana...hehe..
This episode, Power, helped me forget about my disappointment in my History class.

It Still Stings

I was about to go to sleep. I just finished my work for the evening and I decided to read the graduation announcement file I downloaded the other night. Part of the announcement was the nomination for valedictorian. There was a list of the candidates. Out of curiosity I skimmed through the list, saw some familiar names, saw admirable QPIs (Congrats to the candidates by the way).

As I saw those high QPIs, I just couldn't help but feel some kind of pain. Seeing that list just reminded me again that I wasn't graduating with honors. I thought I was somehow over the whole thing, but the whole thing just brought everything back. I couldn't help but feel a bit of regret. I can't help but feel like I could have done better. A part of me feels like I took the wrong course. A part of me knows I could have achieved what I've always aspired. A part of me feels like that could have been me on that list. I'm not making excuses. But I just wish that I could proudly say that the things I've overcome these past years say more about me than my grades and that they mean more and count more; that they are equivalent to, if not greater, than receiving honors. But the unfortunate fact is I measure my achievements through my grades. I need them to affirm that I did well. It goes all the way back to my childhood. No one ever really told me that I was good, I didn't hear it from anyone, only my grades told me that I was good. And when everything else was not going too well, my good grades were the only things that kept going right.

Perhaps some people would say that what I've gone through these past years are greater achievements than getting an exceptional QPI and graduating with honors. A part of me tells me that I should agree with them. But it doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and I'm still disappointed. It makes me think sometimes whether my entire life is just one big story of frustration; basketball, relationships, honors. I know that's just a pessimistic way of looking at it but it does cross my mind whenever I get into that whole depressed mood. Whenever I get into that whole 'whine about life' and 'feel bad for yourself' mode, I start wondering if I'm never supposed to get what I want. But again, that's just me focusing on the negative. I know there are more positive things about my life. But sometimes I just can't help but feel real frustrated. I need to let my heartaches out once in a while. I've got two major ones and this is one of them.

Well, that's that. Writing helped take the a little of the sting out. I'm not sure if it's enough to let me sleep well though, I still have a heavy heart...will probably watch some TV to lighten it up.

Night. God bless.